Losing my way

I don't want to sound so dramatic and overly sad, but there's nothing really much to do but release all of these feelings inside me through writing.

I've been fighting something inside of me, you can say, it's my battle with my very own demons. And if you've been here, you very well know, that the biggest fight really, is with one's self. Lately, I've been feeling negative and all of these realizations crashing into me like a tidal wave. I'm trying my best to keep afloat and keep up with the currents, but sometimes, it so easy to just let it carry me. And I do that sometimes, I let it carry me, but only for a moment. Because I know, that it's too dangerous to be taken over by emotions.

I am trying my best to feel new and fresh. I've cut my hair hoping that the physical change will cover up the changes happening inside me. And for a while, it worked. There were moments though, moments like this, that it starts to come back. I know, it won't go away until I really know what's happening. The scary thing is, I think I know what's happening, heck I do know. I'm too scared to face it. I've never been put in a position to show so much vulnerability.

See, this is the thing about being too strong for other people. When it's your time, you really don't know how to act because you've seen so many broken people, and you just fight not to be one of them. And I am fighting and I am struggling.

The truth is, I do know what's happening. It's just change. Really, the world around me is changing and pretty damn quick, I can't keep up. And the past is catching up, and its always, always wrong when the past catches up. I cannot let myself be in a time warp but I'm just so scared of facing the changes.


Moments like this, I tend to retreat. I try my best to call for help. I ask people out - but I get rejected because again, the world is changing. And the constant rejection is just a reminder of it. My needy self is so freaking annoying. So I tend to just crawl in my bed, read my book, get lost inside of that world and I dread when I finally have to put it down. My reality is still there, facing me, haunting me. Sometimes, I watch a movie but they only last for two hours or so. Sometimes, I write, but there's just too much emotions the dictionary don't even have names for it.

Even when someone takes up my invitation for a cup of coffee, I don't really know what to say to them. I just say, I'm fighting my own demons. And really, I don't want to hear so much BS from them. I want to hear them say that whatever I'm feeling right now, is okay. That it's perfectly normal for being in this position. That it's alright to feel so much and nothing at the same time. That it is okay, to not be okay.


But for now, let me just say, I'm trying my best. Really, I will not let these demons win. I won't let my negative side defeat my positive side. And whenever I look at the mirror, I assure myself, that the face looking back at me will disappear, and the face that I usually recognize for the past 22 years of my life will be back. And when that happens, I'm gonna be kicking whatever negativity out of me.

Because I'll be okay.

Of empty days and wandering souls

“If you want to know where your heart is, look where your minds goes when it wanders.”


The quote struck me at a time when I was most desperate; it became my living motto for awhile. I was struggling and confuse. Where was I going? What should I do with my life? And what really is my passion?

Even now, the answers of those questions escape me. But that quote, etched thru my heart like a burning vein. I finally got on the right track and for a time, those questions were buried with work, fun nights and talks over coffee.

Those days however, are lingering memories. And like what they say, the past always have a way of crawling up to the present. Having some time for myself, I have realized that I still have to answer those questions. Do I have to answer them now? No, I believe that the right time will come when I know the answers of those questions, and I won’t even ask them, I’ll just know.

Empty days are following me, and that quote came to my mind. Now that I am more alone than ever, or wait, maybe I should use the word ‘independent’ instead of alone? Now that I am more independent than ever, I find myself with more meandering questions about my soul and my passion.

Passion, by dictionary definition is an intense emotion, compelling feeling, enthusiasm or desire for something. Really simple to understand yet difficult to capture. How do you find something that you can’t let go of? The word was always just a word until I asked myself, what is my passion?

The question roams my mind. It often visits me at night, when I’m about to close my eyes, sometimes, it visits me on unexpected times. It just pops out and I’m back to wondering.

A soul wanderer that I am, I continue to struggle to find my place. But maybe, this is what life is supposed to be. Maybe I should be lost in order for me to find where I’m supposed to be. Maybe, I should wander first before finally settling down on something. Maybe, in the process, I stumble upon myself, a self that I have never known.

And maybe then, can the empty days be my calming days and the soul wanderer won't have to wander too far.

Project Me

I guess I took another bitter pill and I'm not really sure how to not translate it into writing, but I'll try my best not to. I'm back to where I started, or maybe not. Maybe I changed a bit, but this feeling I have just seems all too familiar. This feeling of loneliness, abandonment and rejection. I know these are all just feelings, and I can see that I'm not alone and I was never abandoned nor rejected, but why do I feel like this?

So instead of focusing my energy into all those feelings, I decided to focus on myself. Half of the year flew like a paper in the air and I'm determined to make the remaining half about myself. I guess before, I always put other people first, because I really didn't find any problem with myself. While others have issues to resolve, I look at myself in the mirror and sees a perfectly satisfied career woman. But deep inside, I know that I have issues that I need to face. 

 

By this time next year, I want to be another person. I want to be more confident with who and what I am. I want to be able to discover myself. I want to be able to stand in a crow without feeling anxious and suffocated. I want to be able to look other people's happiness and not feel left out. I want to be able to make new friends, who understands me and all of the baggage that I have. I want to move my career. I want to be more independent, emotionally, mentally and financially. I want to be the person I want to be. 

So project: ME ME ME is on. 

Summer of Dreams

Dear Summer,

All throughout the year I longed for your kiss and for exciting days to come. Remnants of our past have once again enveloped my memories. You are my first love and will always be my favorite. 

As each day pass, I see the eminent change I have foreseen. This year, you are more different than ever. Independence is my strongest weapon to get you and enjoy you like I used to. Life has changed for me, and so have you. 

I feel your kiss all over my body, and how much I want to kiss you back. But like the moon and the sun, we can only be together once in a while. This life, this passion of mine, I cannot abandon it. So I steal glimpses and kisses. I escape reality and embrace you for I missed you. You welcome me like the queen of the sea and shower me with kisses and laughter. You whisk me away to paradise and there we share our love for each other. There, you envelope me with memories of the past and dreams of the future.

You, Summer, always make me feel like I can be anything. The wind singing in my ears, the waves dancing in my eyes and you whispering, telling me I can be who I want to be with. This is why you will always be my favorite. 

In a month's time, you will go away again, leaving me to reality. And although it pains me to see you go, this I know is for the best. I can only handle so much of your kisses and dreams. 

Before you go, I promise I'll spend time with you. 

Thank you Summer of '13.

Drifting Apart

Once upon a time, we laughed together at a cafe', sing our hearts out in a karaoke session, drank 'till the sun rises and went off to a place only you and I know. Those were the days of young age, innocence and freedom. Times have change, no, not really, but circumstances have change. We can't seem to find time for each other, we stopped texting, we stopped hanging out and poof, we realize it's been months since we haven't seen each other. 

We hear stories from friends about each other, we laugh about the thought of each other getting into crazy places. Friends asks us about us and we can only say, "I don't know, I haven't seen her in a long time." 

We grew up and for most of us, it mean growing apart too. And though I thought we'd be doing crazy things together forever, circumstances just didn't let us. We both started meeting new people, enjoyed hanging out with them and eventually they became the people to go to. We forgot we had each other, no, not really, but we both thought we're too busy for each other, and so we meet up with other people. 

Despite this, we both smile at the times when we did stuff together. You grew up with me, and none of those friends will ever experience the tantrums and the fits I showed you back then. A few scars here and there was shared with you. We dreamed together, of our future, of a life we wish we had, of traveling the world together, seeing a concert of our favorite band, going on a cruise, of the men we'll marry, the names of our children and many other things our minds could imagine. You saw me first, for who I am, who I was and who I would be. You believed in me when I say things will work out for us. 

I miss you. Sometimes when I wake up in a Sunday morning, I go back to the times when we would run away from the world and embrace the breeze, taking everything in. On these occasional moments, I laugh like I’m a little child again, because I remember; even though a few things are blurry.

Memories of us may get blurry or even fade away but I will never forget the feeling whenever I’m was with you. We will always share something, the past can never change, and for that I am thankful. Once upon a time, I had you and you had me. We were going to show the world together that we could do the things that we’ve only dreamed of.

For reasons we can never phantom, we just drifted apart. I’m sorry for not keeping the promises we once made. I apologize for not making the best effort of connecting with you. But sometimes, we need to take a step to learn more and grow more. I will never forget you and I hope you won’t forget me too.

People drifts apart, they move on and they make new memories. This is the cycle of life. 

Memories of January

Let me start this post with a beautiful shot of Ormoc Bay I took when I had to say goodbye to my home and a smiling me. :)

How time flies! It's February already, January flew away like a paper in the wind. So many things and goals to do this 2013. I have always been the crazy kind of a person who does things and sometimes, don't finish it, but not this year please. This year, I plan to do a few things that I have never done before and/or have been putting off for a long time.

To start off the year, I met my friends for dinner. This was a promise we made before the year started, that we'll go grab dinner to celebrate the new year. We ended up just eating and talking. :)

I had to do this on my own.

And then, I got sick, and I  don't mean I got a fever, I meant the painful sick. Apparently, my immune system got weak during the Christmas holidays and I got a lump over my lower back, full of pus. I'm not gonna share you the details, it's all gory and eewwwyyyy. So anyway, for a full week I was in constant pain and needed pain meds to get through the day. It was almost three weeks before I got better and until now, the lump is still there.

Pain meds and antibiotic among other tings.

 Then there was Sinulog. If you know me, then you know I absolutely hate crowds, unless I know I'm secured with the air I breathe, literally. I get so anxious when I'm in a crowd that I almost always pass out because I couldn't breathe. I ended up celebrating Sinulog at the rooftop of Harolds Hotel with good friends for company. Drinking beer and good conversations are a perfect match to make a great Sinulog memory.

Two nights before Sinulog, we went out and had fun in this magical place. 

We got high and then we got headaches, but the memories was lovely.

Sinulog night, drinking out with friends and fireworks!

Awesome friends for an awesome vacation.

I traveled, this was far by the best thing that happened to my new year. Traveling early in the year would mean I get to travel the whole year round, well I hope the universe would allow me to do saw. And if my travel is any indication of my travels are gonna go, then I'm gonna have a great travel experience this year. I went to Boracay with two of my favorite friends, Mai-Mai and Idyll. This was planned last year and the ticket were bought last year too. We had so much fun there, we even met a new friend. :) So many details I hope my memory could retain. We did water sports, and my favorite was the para-sailing and thank God for the new friend because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even dare of doing it. But I found myself in the skies and my eyes was full of endless beauty and my heart filled with calmness and peacefulness I never imagined I'd ever feel.

Well, that's not me, but that's how we sail!

The water was just lovely and so was the jetski experience! Oh and the sunset too!

My January ended, the holiday air might be gone, but memories of January lingers on to me.

When I got sick, I went home to Ormoc. My mom made me pancakes <3 br="">Best memory ever. I love my parents so much

February is here, and I hope to make more great memories with this month, the month of love. :)

When I'm Gone

I guess at one point in my life I’ll just have to learn to move on and get over with it all. When I say all, I mean everything, from your dazzling eyes to your quirky personality, from all the memories we shared and those fantasies of mine that never happened.

Until such time will come, let me enjoy the things that would eventually bring me heartaches. I’ll breath your all ‘till i can release them through my tears when I’ll finally give you up.

I know, I will never have you, I never had a chance. But even though I know that perfectly well, a part of me still hopes. And until the day that part of me dies, I’ll continue on loving you even when you can’t feel the same.

Don’t worry over me because I chose this and I will move on and get over you. You will miss me, I’ll make sure of that. When I’m gone, I will leave you with the sweet scent of my love. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.