When Happiness is a Decision

I had one of my worst day yesterday. No matter how I tried to be happy, my heart felt empty and lonely. I hid from my friends so that I could clear things with my heart. I wasn't successful. It's one of those days that you feel so sad, you almost feel nothing. I'm sure that it was trigger by someone. It's like a domino effect and because that person hurt me, everything seemed wrong. 

Emptiness has once again embraced me.  I can only pretend to be happy for so long. Sometimes, I need to remove my poker face but even if I do, no one will understand. The truth is, its hard to be the tough person in the group, the happy person, the clown. When its your time to cry, no one knows how to make you smile. So the clown shear away from the public, weeping alone. When its time for the show, the clown put up his best smile and do a performance, a show that can cover up the pains in his eyes. 

While everyone was doing something, I scribbled my name in the back of my note book and ended up doing a list of things I should remember.

Mayang

Learn to manage your time.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise on what you believe in.

Believe in yourself.

You're not alone, God is always with you.

Remember that when things go wrong, you have your family.

When your friends make you feel like sh*t, just hold on, things will pass.

You can be better.

Reflect sometimes and call onto God.

Learn to love yourself every day. You're beautiful.

Learn to forgive over and over again -  no matter how painful and how tiring forgiving is.

Smile always.

The world will turn out better for you.

Storms come and go, remember that sunshine is waiting beneath the clouds.

Don't stop dreaming.

Don't stop believing in people - they can change.

Remember, wounds heal and you learn something from them.

Mayang, you're YOU. Don't let anyone step on you because you deserve better. 

When I read this list before writing this blog, it made me smile. It really didn't change a lot, but something within me changed. I don't deserve to be treated like something unimportant. I deserve something better and when all else fail, God is always there to guide me and catch me when I fall.

The clown is still sad yet she sees hope for tomorrow. 

Photo: deviantart by Mrs Cullen and alephunky