Now, as I stared into the shadows of the past, I asked myself, have I truly been given the gift of forgiveness? The answer is yes, I have. Because the truth is, forgiving is not easy. It doesn’t come when you need it to; instead, it comes when you’re ready. I was ready for forgiveness to enlighten my heart and it came. The truth is, forgiveness hurts. How can you look at a person who have hurt you and doesn’t feel any anger towards that person? That’s the power of forgiving.
Sometimes, when I look at what is around me, even though I’m trying so hard to put everything back the way it is and I still don’t get the treatment I deserve, I hang on to the thought of forgiveness. I have forgiven and I asked for forgiveness, even though I knew most of it wasn’t my fault. Unfortunately, I am being shut down and rejected over and over again. I tried reaching out even though I know I wouldn’t get an equal chance of being reached out.
I am contemplating, what has really become of this? It’s sad, so sad I don’t even want to say it because I’m afraid, I’ll finally admit it. Yes, I am still in denial with it. As of right now, I have reached my limits, but I’ll give it one more try.
I am the type of person who cannot let go easily when it comes to this issue. Yes, I must admit it, I’m emotional when it comes to this. It’s difficult for me, but right now, even if I’m trying, I slowly understand the things that are happening. I am slowly letting go, I am slowly losing hope and I am slowly becoming free from this. I could say that this is an emotional burden for me.
Tonight, I asked the Lord to give me strength. I need strength to try once more. I need strength to face what is coming. I need strength so that when I let go, I can stand up on my own. I need strength for myself, for not letting this even in my life affect me in my perception of friendship. I need strength from him to continue believing that there are people who will stay through the bad times. Most of all, I need HIM, because I know, I can’t go on without HIM; he who never stops protecting me and shielding me from more sorrows.
I am sorry for what this mess has become but I am sorrier for what the person has become. I can still be happy because I have forgiven and at least I know I tried my best, the person? I don’t know. I pray to the Lord to give the person peace in my and heart.
May the shadows of the past remains a shadow and may the light of the future shines even brighter, for me and for the person.
4 comments:
Yes, I agree. It's difficult to forgive. But I guess, it's just a phase. I don't know what you're struggling with but I do understand the feeling. Been there. Cheer up, Yang. :)
Thanks deb. I know I might seem so happy at school, but I'm struggling with some sadness too. I am a sad clown as of the moment. OA ra ko, but thank you kaayo
Yeah, I've observed that too. As what you've said, it sometimes is safe to fake a smile even when you're struggling with something but yeah, your "friends" are there to understand every inch of you. In my case, I often hold back saying the things that are running inside my head even to my closest friends because sometimes I'd think it would be a waste if I tell them and dili pud sila part sa ako problem (I think). So that's why I often do things alone and somehow, I like it. But yeah, I hope everything's going to be fine.
PS
I like your post about deciding to be happy. I'll try to do that every now and then. :)
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