Zonip the Bear

Why is that photo a little distorted?

You might ask that as you stare into my header. The picture of a stuffed toy surrounded by red leaves is a little corrupted and you would wonder why. The truth is my laptop, namely Lex, has a problem with his usb cord and pictures, music and videos coming from a usb to my laptop will be corrupted. Like what happened to that picture above.

But then, why did I still choose that photo to be my header?

Other than the fact that I took that photo, I also thought that the photo symbolizes who I am.

Zonip the bear is alone in a rough road but surrounded by beautiful red leaves. And then, there's the distortion of the photo.

Aren't we all in our rough roads? We're all in a rough journey in our life. The hard rough cemented road is the path we should take in order to be where we want to be. That's the price to pay of having what you want. Some are not brave enough to take on the journey and just stop while some are brave enough to walk the road barefoot and now, we look them up from below.

Those brave beings were able to see the beauty that lies in the rough road. Those brave beings had beautiful red leaves to be distracted with when the pain in their foot is getting a little strong. The brave ones kept the red leaves beside them and did not let the wind blew them away. Family and friends are those people who will be the one with us when things get too rough for us. They will be the one to tell us that everything will be ok when we seem to give up. Yes, they are the red leaves and people shouldn't let the wind blew them away. It’s a rare occurrence that the wind will blew the same leaves to you when it has already been blown away.  

Distortion. Our lives are not perfect. What we want, we might not always get. Who we love, might not love us back. That's what the distortion in the photo represents.

Isn't Zonip the Bear in a Lonely Rough Road represents all of us?

19 years

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME 

That Old Park

It was something I thought out of the blue. I wrote this while humming a tune in my mind and every time I write something it was like I was singing with the tune. Does that make sense? =D


That Old Park

           We were only fifteen then but I knew I’m never going to feel something like that ever again. I remember how we first met, back at that old park near the river. I didn’t know that you’ve been watching me from afar until you walk up to me. You told me you think I was the most beautiful girl you’ve seen. I knew that my cheeks were burning but I couldn’t take my eyes off your smile. You introduce yourself and it was the beginning of the two of us.

            I remember how you held my hands as we walk along the river banks talking about everything and nothing at all. I remember those days when I’d cried because of something silly and you were always there to give me a kiss in my forehead, letting me know that you’re always there.

            I’ve always thought that with you the sky is the bluest. Knowing that you’re mine makes me feel calm and peace. I’ll always have those memories of us telling each other how much we cared and loved each other.

            Oh do you remember those letters that we wrote? We used to write letters for each other every Sunday. We meet in the park and exchange them. I always smiled every time I read one of your letters. They were always full of love and feeling. We used to put them inside a bottle after reading them and let the current of the river take it wherever it’s meant to be. Now how I wished to read them all over again.

            Memories fade away. The roses had withered. Spring has come and gone. But you my love, will never fade from my mind and heart.

            Where did the time go? I asked myself. Now I’m looking at you as tears swell in my eyes. Has it already been four years since I first met you? Look how much we’ve grown and yet how much we’re still the same. We’re already nineteen and you’re saying goodbye to me. I couldn’t help but cry as you embrace me for the last time and whispered in my ears that you’ll always love me.

            I’ve never been the same then, because you took a part of me. The first months were the hardest but I tried to stand up again, this time alone. I once asked myself how to live a life alone, when all my adolescent life you’ve been with me. I guess I was strong enough to move on.

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            I guess time really plays a trick on all of us. It has been a fun roller coaster ride with you and you were a memory I could never get out of my mind. You’re like an old favorite song, you suddenly remember the lyrics and you can’t help but play that song. Yes, you’re my old favorite song, and how I wished I could forget you but there are those days when I just look for you and misses you oh so much.

            Now it’s been eight years since you last held me in your arms and I was smiling at you as you took my hand and shook it. How formal I thought, it’s as if we never had those memories. It broke my heart again, knowing that you didn’t care enough.

            Look at us, we’re now both 27, things have changed and yet you still have the same impact on me. I tried to laugh as we were all talking about things that soon will be happening. We never really look into each other’s eye long enough to read each other’s emotion. We both have some excuse to talk to someone else when our gaze met.

            I still feel that warmth feeling whenever you’re near. I had to excuse myself out because you still made my heart skip a beat and oh how I am betraying myself.

            I found myself at a beautiful garden and it reminded me so much of that old park. Suddenly memories came alive and there we were, both our backs on the ground gazing at the stars. That old park is now long gone, it has been abandoned and no kids or lovers were ever seen again strolling at that old park. Just like our love, how we both abandoned something so beautiful.

            I didn’t notice you walking towards me and yet there you were with your beautiful smile and handsome face that never fails to take my breath away. You stared at the garden and you lost your gaze. I wondered if you saw what I was seeing too.

            You took my hand and told me how happy you are for me. I smiled and told you how proud I am of what you’ve become. You held my hand for the first time in eight years and I looked in your eyes. I thought I saw a glimpse of regret in your eyes and I wondered if it’s because you let me go.

How long did we stare at each other, I don’t know. You held me in your arms out of the blue just like eight years ago and you whispered again that you’ll always love me. It was the last goodbye. This time I didn’t let you see my tears instead I whispered back and I told you how much I never forgot about you and how much I still love you. 

I walked away never looking back. I still love you and I will always will. 

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I walked away because it was the only thing that I can do. I walked away because I can't be stuck in a memory forever. I walked away because I had a life too and I deserved to be someone better. I walked away because I know that if I wouldn't, you would put a spell on me and I wouldn't be able to move on.

We were soul mates that was never meant to be together.

Our own Green Mile

It was my first time to walk alone in the long silent and dark corridors of the Palace of Justice. I didn't have anyone by my side to talk to when I want to. Sometimes, I would meet people walking the other way but most of the time, I was alone in discovering the place. It wasn't my first time to notice that the color of the floor tiles of the corridors were lime green. It reminded me of the movie The Green Mile. I haven't really thought about the movie before but walking alone and hearing my footsteps as they echo on the empty corridors made me realize how we all have our own green mile to walk. 

For those who hasn't seen the Green Mile, it's a tale about correction officers who were assigned to the death row and how they met a "true miracle of God", a convicted felon named John Coffey. The film's main actor was Tom Hank, he was the character named Paul Edgecomb, the warden of the correction officer. This is probably one of my favorite movies, it made me laugh and cry at the same. It was purely touching and believe it or not, it's a Stephen King work. 

According to the film, death row corridors are called the last mile, because it's going to be the last walk of a person on his way to execution. But they call their's as the Green Mile because their floor tile was the color of lime green.

 

Today, I walked a Green Mile. No, I wasn't walking the same green mile like that of the movie, but I was walking in a similar mile. I walked a corridor where men who waits for the decision of the court walks. I walked a corridor where the families of victims or accused walks miserably, thinking of what might happen next. I walked a corridor where lawyers, with all their documents, walks as they think of the life they have to defend. I walked a corridor where a judge thinks about his/her decision, knowing that the one word coming out of her.his mouth will change a life forever.

It was their own Green Mile. That time, it was mine too.

All of us will come to a point in our lives where we make decisions that would change our lives forever. That maybe our Green Mile, our last walk before changing the paths of our lives. We walk the long corridor thinking with the weight of the pros and cons of our going to be decisions. Sometimes, like what the last quote of the movie said, it would take so long to walk the green mile but sooner or later we will have to decide. 

As I walked away from the corridors and my footstep started to fade away, I realized that at that time I was also walking my own Green Mile, literally and figuratively. 

That moment, I decided that for once, to be dependent in myself and no one else because sooner or later we all have to walk a path where only the sounds of our footsteps are our company. When that time come, I will be ready because I have once walked the same path. 

We all have our own dark corridors to walk where we only wish to see the light. But with the right things in mind, we will find our way back to the light.

-Mayang-