Minsan

Minsan naalala kita. Minsan naiisip kita. At minsan nakikita kita.

Ngunit alam kong wala ka na. Lumayo ka na kung saan hindi kita maabot.

Minahal kita, yun lang ang aking ginawa.

Kasalanan ko ba kung iniibig ka ng aking puso, sinta ko?

Wala naman akong ibang hiniling kung di mahalin mo rin.

Alam kong hindi mo ito maibibigay.

Ganun pa man, minahal pa rin kita at nagsikap na makamit ang iyong pag-ibig.

Ngayon, wala ka na. Lumisan ka na.

Panahon na din sigurong lisanin ko ang isang pag-ibig na walang patutunguhan.

Tatalikuran ko na lang ang bagay na nagbigay sa akin ng buhay.

Paalam na aking sinta. Paalam na.

Kakalimutan kita sinta ko.

At ngayon, paminsan-minsan kong naiisip kung kumusta ka na.

Yun lang, at wala ng iba.

I never expected things to go that way. I expected something more but there never was anything to expect. And I finally figured out what went wrong. I expected too much. Expectation, my expectations, they ... went wrong. The little world I created in my mind didn't became reality and I felt sick as soon as I realize it. I can't blame anyone else but me. These expectations have gone so far. I felt so high in my own world that I fell so hard when they never became reality. 

It was a day I would wish to forget, but no matter what I would do, I would never forget that day. It will always leave something in my heart. It has created a hole in me that I don't know if something or someone could ever fix. I felt miserable. Yes I did, believe it or not. I put on my happy face. The mask worked its magic and no one noticed that whenever the world gets noisy, I was there silent and alone.

I have felt alone a few times in my life and I have felt lonely too. But that was the first time that I felt lost. I was alone, lonely and then, LOST. I didn't know where to go. The world inside my head was perfect and everything was planned inside me but it didn't came true. So where was I going? 

I decided to go with the flow. I decided to put on my happy mask and wherever the river carries me, I'll be there. That day started very good, but one of the worst days in my life at the middle part of it and well, at least it ended well. 

I guess it takes a full emotional meltdown in order to build one self. I have been told over and over again about lessening my expectations and I'm sorry I just can't. In the end, I'm the one who's hurt, in the end I'm the one who cries at night. I have told myself so many times not to expect anything and sometimes I don't but there are just those days when you really wish that someone would do something to make you feel really special, and then there goes my expectations. They are soaring high and then fall down hard.

This meltdown probably taught me the same lessons. Mistakes that repeat themselves has a message, and that's to learn the lesson. In the near future, I'll probably be numb about expectations because I just can't go through the same thing ever again.

Copyright: I do not own any photo on the blog above.