When Happiness is a Decision

I had one of my worst day yesterday. No matter how I tried to be happy, my heart felt empty and lonely. I hid from my friends so that I could clear things with my heart. I wasn't successful. It's one of those days that you feel so sad, you almost feel nothing. I'm sure that it was trigger by someone. It's like a domino effect and because that person hurt me, everything seemed wrong. 

Emptiness has once again embraced me.  I can only pretend to be happy for so long. Sometimes, I need to remove my poker face but even if I do, no one will understand. The truth is, its hard to be the tough person in the group, the happy person, the clown. When its your time to cry, no one knows how to make you smile. So the clown shear away from the public, weeping alone. When its time for the show, the clown put up his best smile and do a performance, a show that can cover up the pains in his eyes. 

While everyone was doing something, I scribbled my name in the back of my note book and ended up doing a list of things I should remember.

Mayang

Learn to manage your time.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise on what you believe in.

Believe in yourself.

You're not alone, God is always with you.

Remember that when things go wrong, you have your family.

When your friends make you feel like sh*t, just hold on, things will pass.

You can be better.

Reflect sometimes and call onto God.

Learn to love yourself every day. You're beautiful.

Learn to forgive over and over again -  no matter how painful and how tiring forgiving is.

Smile always.

The world will turn out better for you.

Storms come and go, remember that sunshine is waiting beneath the clouds.

Don't stop dreaming.

Don't stop believing in people - they can change.

Remember, wounds heal and you learn something from them.

Mayang, you're YOU. Don't let anyone step on you because you deserve better. 

When I read this list before writing this blog, it made me smile. It really didn't change a lot, but something within me changed. I don't deserve to be treated like something unimportant. I deserve something better and when all else fail, God is always there to guide me and catch me when I fall.

The clown is still sad yet she sees hope for tomorrow. 

Photo: deviantart by Mrs Cullen and alephunky

Close your eyes ....

The night is still and the music in my ears are the few vehicles I can hear from the street. It has been a long night for me. But not long enough to stop me from writing. I am tired and I am drained but somehow, I find myself into this place, my hand continuously typing words. It's probably because I was supposed to write something in this blog a few days ago but wasn't able to. There was the jeepney ride that took me away from reality, there was my realization of not looking back and my feelings for someone which I can't explain. 

It was a rainy afternoon when I took the jeepney ride, it was going to be a long ride was what I thought. But oh I was wrong, it was too short and I wished that jeepney ride continued on. I was on the front seat and the rain just started to fall. I had to close the window because I didn't want to be wet. I put my mp3 on and I started listening to music. I didn't know where it started, all I know was I started to stared blankly and thought of a world where everything goes happy. It's a happy world, no poor, no rich, no greed and anger, no pain and hate, just happiness. The fictional place started to fill my heart and I wished that everything in this world would be like that world. It was paradise, there  was me, the family I love, my friends and some old familiar faces smiling, playing and enjoying together that paradise. I woke up for a second or two and decided to change the music to a more upbeat one. I didn't want to be stuck in a world where I know wouldn't exist. But even the music of Britney Spear's did not stop my brain from wandering around that beautiful place. See, that was the place where hurts and disappointment did not exist, where everyone is sensitive to other's feeling, it was a place where I don't have to expect something in return because I'm sure the same thing will happen to me. It was a place where I want to be. It was a place where I don't have to expect, a place where I felt happy, a place where sadness and loneliness did not exist. It was the perfect place. There I was sitting on green fields with smile on my face because everything in that place brings me happiness, even the small gush of wind makes me smile. 

But, I woke up. The rain started to fall harder and that's when I realize that storms are reality, they come and go. I realized, at that moment I was inside a storm. The storm that was happening in my heart, my expectations, my dreams and everything I want to be. Sometimes, you have to be in a storm to appreciate the importance of rainbows and sunshine. 

Talking about storms and sunshine, I know that a decision can either bring storms or sunshine in my life. I have learned not to look back even when everything is falling hard. Regrets is looking back. I don't want to have regrets in my life. So why not walk away when you can't take it, just walk away and don't turn back. I literally didn't turned my back when I decided to walk away. It's not that I had any ill feelings for them, it's the feeling that they give me. I felt like an outcast, an outsider, a stranger. No, they are still in my life and they will be forever a part of it. I walked away in that moment because I didn't want to feel like someone who invited myself in a group where I wasn't wanted. I walked away because I needed to move on, I needed to realize that sometimes, this happens in real life. Sometimes, the people you thought your friends with are the people who makes you feel worthless. I don't know if that's what God designed for friendship but all I know that everyone will feel like this towards their closest friends. I walked away because I needed to know that I can be independent, I walked away because I needed to find myself. Who am I and What can I do are questions I should have an answer by the end of this school year. I am not saying that all your life you can't look back, what I'm saying is there are things better left like what it is than trying to fix it and get yourself hurt. Sometimes, all we can do is leave it and not to turn back. 

Then there's him, a person who makes me smile, a person who gives me hope. No, he's not the love of my life nor is he my crush. He is just a person that simply makes me smile, nothing less and nothing more. 

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It's been a long night, a really long one at that. So let the night be still and let the souls sleep. 

^__^