The Red Dream

One of those things that got lost along the way.

The Red Dream 

The sunlight blinded John as he tried to cover his eyes. He looked around, figuring out where he was. He could clearly see the endless blue sky above him. On his side, he sees tall buildings. Where was he, he thought. He looked around again before realizing he was in the rooftop of his old office building. He thought about why and how he got there, but he couldn’t remember. On his back was the door, he tried to open it but couldn’t. Strange, he thought. He used to come up here for a cigarette break but he had quit smoking long ago.

John took a step forward for a better view of the rooftop. Like any other rooftop, it was hugely white space. The railings were painted white; build to prevent anyone from falling. There at the right most part of the railing was someone.

She was wearing a ruby red hooded coat, gleaming over the sunlight. The coat was similarly fashioned to those of the medieval times, one that would remind you of the story of the Little Red Riding Hood. She just stood there, looking at the horizon.

John felt nervous for some reason. He didn’t understand why, but he felt like he knew her. She turned her head and John had to take a small gasp. Her face was pale but beautiful. She had big emerald green eyes; her lips were red but a lighter shade than that of her coat.

John was amazed by the beauty before him, once he was passed that, he realized what he was looking at. She was beautiful, very beautiful but she was also very sad, her eyes showed it. Her eyes that pierced through his and he couldn’t understand all the sorrow in it. She just stood there looking at him, her lips quivering a little. The strangest part was when her sad eyes turned to a pleading one. She needed help, John thought. He tried to ask her if she was ok, but no words escaped him, his mouth didn’t open. He didn’t know how long they were standing there.

She turned his head back to the horizon for a moment before looking at him again. She motioned her hand to her hood, and her hood fell from her head. Though he couldn’t see it, John knew that her jet black hair was long, like it fell to her hips. It was a little curvy and it made her more beautiful than ever. She looked at him again, those pleading eyes sliced through his heart.
 
 He woke up in the dark. He was nervous and excited. He turned his lamp light on and started reaching for his cane. His 74 year old hand found its way to a crooked wooden cane. He lifts himself up from his bed. His room was enough for one person. It had a bed near the window. On its right were a small table and then a book shelf. Then at the other corner, a big wooden chest was sitting. He specifically put it there to conceal it every time the door opens. He slowly reached the wooden chest.

John was excited, after all these years he finally figured out where he has seen the woman of her dreams. She has long abandoned his dreams but tonight was different. For the first time, she showed him her long beautiful hair and he saw emotions on her face. He couldn’t pin point it before, but now he knew where he had first gazed on those beautiful emerald eyes.

He opened the chest and it was filled with many important memories from his past. He was a man of attachment. He knew that somewhere in his chest was his very first watch his grandfather gave him or the book his childhood friend gave him. He had kept all those memories to remember the people in his lives. He dug his way on all the memorabilia inside. His diary was there, the only one he ever written on; the diary that were filled with memories of her. He called her Emerald because of her green eyes but he never really knew her.

His hands felt a worn leather notebook which he immediately pulled away from the chest. He walked his way to his table as he felt his fingers touching the leather. As he sits down, he thought of his obsession of the girl in his dreams and all those years she had haunted him.

“Why?” he whispered to himself.

He couldn’t remember the last time she visited him in his dreams. He never forgot her, oh no, he just stop caring. There were times when sometimes he would just daze out and all he thinks about is her. But now, his youth have escaped him, why did she come back? He asked himself. She even bears gifts, her long jet black hair and the knowledge that has been a mystery to him for almost all his life.

He has finally found her. He knew that once he opened the old leather notebook, a new mystery will unravel. 

You Realize

And then suddenly, something happens unexpected to your life. You're suddenly left alone in the corner, wondering what you're going to do next.

Life is unfair. Shit happens. These are the realities of the real world.

You think to yourself, "So where am I going now?" Then you wander around, thinking of being lost for awhile. To your surprise, you find yourself somewhere and you wouldn't even thought you'd be there, but you are. So you take a deep breathe and smile.

You realize, being lost is a part of being found.

You realize, wandering would eventually take you to wonderful places.

You realize, smiling is easier than sulking around.

Summers of the Future

Dear Summer,

I feel the heavy wind in my face. You have come and past again. Like I said before, this summer is my last. The rain is starting  to fall and I could feel the cold wind as it envelopes my whole body. There's no sunshine to lift my face to, just the rain falling down. 

You have given me much opportunities this year. I was able to spent the best days of you with my family and closest friends. I walked the stage, smiling despite my hurting foot, as my parents gave me my medal. I walked the streets of Macau and Hong Kong despite my aching legs. I rode a roller coaster in Disneyland, who would've thought I'd do it four times? I spent a nice hot day in a beautiful secluded island, where the sands were white and the ocean was so blue. I got so drunk for the first time with my best friends by my side. And when I'm not doing any adventures with you, I stay at home, fronting my computer, writing from the bottom of my heart or watching something beautiful. 

I wonder what you have for me next year. I wonder where I'll be then. Will I still be the same person? Will I still try to write the pieces of my mind? Will I still be looking forward for you? 

Things will definitely change for me and you. I will never be able to enjoy you the way I've used to for the past years. There will be no more long summer vacation for me, only short periods. Your warm sunshine will continue to rise but I will not be able to take full advantage of it. I will not have sun burns like I used to have. Who knows, I might not even be there for my family. 

My, my, how times have changed. I will miss you again. Another ten months before I get to taste your sweet summer scent or your wonderful sunrises and sunsets. By that time, I hope that I have changed, but still remain to be the same. 

Goodbye Summer, see you next year. I look forward for what you have for me. 

Read my Summers of the Past.

Summers of the Past

Dear Summer,

Memories of your warm sunshines is running in my mind. How I used to enjoy you with simple smiles in the river side and gentle whisperings to the wind. When I walk down memory lane, my fondest memories of you would always be those when I was a child. My innocent grace of running around in the river, the music of my laughters as I enjoy the beach and sometimes, when the rain falls, is a beautiful picture of me dancing in the rain. 

Oh Summer, you have come and gone for me. I would never enjoy you the way I used to when I was still ten. For the coming summers of my life, would be different. I'd probably find other ways to enjoy you, I hope by that time, I'd enjoy you with someone. 

I'm here again, staring at the rain and nostalgia fills me as I wish for a sweet sunshine amidst the cold wind. I would always remember you and how I used to be. You'd always be the one I shared all my craziness. 

The summers of my past is a picture, a memory that will be safe in my heart, forever. 

The Beginning of the End.

She knew the words even before he spoke them. She looked into his eyes deeply as the two of them lay side by side at the king size bed. He touched her face and brushed her hair away from her face. She had to close her eyes as she felt his fingers lingering in the places that it touched. She breathed deeply and she had to bit her lips so the tears wouldn’t fall.

She thought of how they ended up together in the same room. She thought of how faith was too cruel for her, for them. Along with her closest friends, they created a system on who should be roommates for the night. They cut 5 pairs of stick, each pair with a different length. Whoever gets the same length will be roommates for the night. She had to cursed faith when he held his stick and she knew that they had the same length.

Dawn had come and the sky hid the stars behind. They were both alone and they just talked, fronting each other. Finally, the overwhelming unspoken feelings will be their subject. She knew she was heavily attracted to him and she knew that he was attracted to her too. They both enjoy each other’s company and some would even mistake them as a couple. She would just laugh at them, but inside, she dies each time he holds her close. She knew that right now wasn’t the right time for the two of them and she doesn’t even know if there is a right time for the two of them.

“What makes you happy right now?” He asked her softly, his voice so gentle. She had to smile before she answered,

“Chocolates,” she answered. She studied his face and thought she could continue doing it for a very long time. She admired his long nose, his thin red lips, and his ocean green eyes that always seemed to be smiling and then there was his hair that he never managed to tame. He was beautiful, of that she was sure.

“Chocolates are your guilty pleasure,”

“Yes, they are,”

“Can I be your chocolate then?”

She looked into his eyes and smiled bitterly.

“You’d be my dark chocolate, my favorite,”

“Why dark chocolate?”

“Because I love the bitterness it brings,”

He held her right hand and kissed it softly. She closed her eyes, her heart beating so hard. It was only a matter of time before they would say what has never been said. He held on her hand, his eyes closed, it awhile before she spoke again,

“What makes you happy right now?”

He opened his eyes and let her hand go. She looked into her eyes and saw the pain in it.

“Butterflies,”

“I love butterflies,”

“I know, you always love going to butterfly sanctuaries,”

“Can I be your butterfly then?”

“Yes,”

She touched his nose and smiled. He smiled back, they were both admiring each other.

“What hurts you right now?” He asked.

“I have loved chocolate all my life. But sometimes, there are those that I cannot eat or I cannot taste. Sometimes, there are those that are too good to even be real,”

“Like dark chocolates?”

“Somehow, yes. The bitterness that dark chocolates bring in my tongue is unique. I don’t want to taste it but I can’t stop wanting for more,”

“What hurts you right now?” he asked again.

She took a deep breath; she closed her eyes and whispered in the night her answer.

“You,”

She felt him stir in the side; his hand was on her right hand again. He held it tightly yet gently. When she opened her eyes, he was still staring at her. She couldn’t help but give him a bitter smile.

“What hurts you right now?” She asked back.

“The fact that I can’t trap a beautiful butterfly. She’s too beautiful to be in a cage,”

“What do you want her to do?”

“To fly away, like she always has. To be beautiful and colorful and most of all, I want her to be happy,”

“If the butterfly goes inside the open cage, would you close its door?”

He stared in her eyes and said the words she had feared,

“There is no open cage, there is something else in the cage,”

“Someone, there is someone else in the cage that the butterfly could not …”

She wasn’t able to finish her sentence. Her tears were filled with tears and silently, it fell on her face. She turned her back on him.

“We should stop this,” she said, “it’s killing me,” she added.

“I’m sorry,” was what all he can say.

His eyes were filled with tears too. He listened to her crying softly as he stopped himself from making any sound. His heart was torn, he love her, of that he’s sure but he was with someone else already and she deserved his loyalty. Does he love his lover? As of now, he was sure he wasn’t in love with his lover anymore because his heart got stolen by the girl he found funny and witty. He is in love, but not with his lover.

As the crack of dawn whispered in his ears, he slowly closed his eyes and wished that she’ll understand. It wasn’t the right time for them. Someday, he wished that they can be together.

This is inspired by the song California King by Rihanna. Click the link and read the lyrics. :)

Regrets of Love

Wrote this today, inspired by the song Somewhere over the Rainbow. I just listened to it and every time I do, it gives me a certain feeling. Today, I identified it as a melancholic feeling. Like that of a love that was right, but never meant to happen.

This is his side of the story, hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write her side. 

HIM

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I gaze at her smiling at me as the wind blew her hair. I smiled back and she suddenly touched both my cheeks with her hands and kissed me at the nose. I smiled to myself, feeling every moment of it. Her lips touching my skin, the smell of her hair and the scent of her perfume, she simply took my breath away. I held on to her hips and started tickling her. She started laughing and moving away from me until she was freed from my grasps and she started running along the green fields. We were at the top of a mountain, overlooking the whole city; that was our place, something that only the two of us shared. She looked back at me as she was running and shouted something but I was too busy admiring her to even hear her. I just started running, catching up.

I caught up with her and I lifted her from the back and started spinning her. I heard her laughing. It was a moment I would always savor. I fell to my back and she immediately rolled over to my side and stared at me. For a moment we gaze at each other’s eye and I wondered if she read my soul through its windows. She gave me a funny smile, one I haven’t seen her in. She then turned her head and looked at the sky. She talked about how beautiful the sky was, I couldn’t agree more. She talked about how she missed me; I couldn’t have said it better. She talked about a love she never had, and a love she never told me because she was afraid it’d change everything, I thought she had it all. I asked about the man she was talking about, she just told me it doesn’t matter anymore because she was sure he doesn’t love her.

That’s when I thought to myself, who wouldn’t love this beautiful woman? I have loved her since the day I first saw her. She was nine and I was ten. She walked pass by me at a party, I followed her and I talked to her and things went crazy after that.

It was that day that we became best friends. I was always on her side and she was always on mine. Then one day when I was nineteen, my mother decided to move. The day I was to go was the worst day of my life. I watched her cried and I watched her heart being torn apart as I walked away and didn’t look back. I didn’t look back because if I would, I wouldn’t have strength to walk away from her.

That’s when everything changed. I got busy for a few months, adjusting and doing everything to fit in. At first we talked every day, then it went to talking every other night, then it became once a week, then once a month and ultimately, a few times a year. But I never forgot her, never. Now, after five years, we met again.

We watched the sunset together that day, holding each other’s hand. Then, we walked away from our place, not looking back. We walked away from our childhood. We walked away from the friendship we had and we would always have. We walked away from a love, too strong yet never said. We walked away to a life of what could have been for both of us. We walked away and didn’t look back. But I cheated, I turned my head slightly, and there it was; I saw us. Oh, the regrets of love, how I wish I could tell her how much I love her and how much I regretted the day I didn’t look back.

The mountain top would always be where I find both our love. It’s always going to be the place where we shared our dreams and hopes of having a life together. Unsaid, we have always loved each other, always.

Melancholic Abyss

Sometimes, when the rain pours hard, I remember him. I look outside the window and I see his reflection. Sometimes, all I can see is his hazel eyes looking back at me. I never stopped wondering what could have been for us. We never had our ending.

 Most of the time, I thought about us, what we were ... I thought about our memories. I wish I could just live in those memories, things would be so much better.

We were lovers of the wind, of the night, of the stars. Call it whatever you want, we were bound to each other as the sun was bound to follow the moon forever. Sometimes when the night is still and all has closed their eyes, I feel him, holding me. When it gets cold during winter, I feel his warmth wrapping around me. 

I am lost forever, broken, never to be mend again. The only one who can mend me and lead me to the right path has long deserted me. Tell me, how can you live by yourself when all you know is living for someone else? We've been together for so long, so long I couldn't remember how it feels to be without him. I'm fine, but I'm not okay.

I long to feel his touch lingering in my skin. I long for his soft lips caressing my hair. I long for his smile lighting up my day. I long to see him again. So long have I been trapped in the world of memories. So long have I wandered the walls of my mind, so long. 

I wished for Death to kiss me the way she kissed him. She has taken the most important thing to me, she taken all of me but she hasn't taken me, I begged her, but she has left me too. 

So I lay in this soft cold bed wandering in the world of my memories for it is the only way I can see him again. My love, my world, why have you deserted me? 

Simple Walks

I wonder why people take walks in times of different situations. I wonder why people take walks when they are face with different decisions to make. I ask myself, how can simple walks changes one’s whole perspectives? I found the answer earlier today.

It’s a routine I take almost every day. My walk to and from school are mostly uneventful. I walk the familiar paved cement, see the same tree and cross the road at exactly the same spot. But today was different. Something caught my attention that reminded me of simple things that made me smile and yet made me think of some true and depressing things.

As I was walking in the same path I take every day from school, I saw a father and a child a few steps ahead of me. The little one was a little frenzied, running and then stopping to wait for his father catching up on him. His father, taking precautions because of the road, ran restlessly to stop his child from getting near the road. While the father was trying to catch up with his little one, one of his slippers broke away from his foot. I looked away and slowed my speed of walking, knowing what just happened. I took the courage to look in front of me. By this time, the father had his red slipper in his hand, trying to fix it. His child ran back at him and was now paying attention attentively to what his father was doing. I thought about the slipper, it might be the only one he had. I caught my breath and said “Please Lord.” It’s as if he heard me, the father put the red slipper down and slip his foot on it. I didn’t saw it but he must have smiled as he brushed his son’s hair.

For a moment, I was in the real world, that this is what’s happening out there. Beyond the gates and borders of my school, there was a world, an unfair one. I hate to face it but I had to someday and I fear that someday is coming nearer. There are people out there who continuously work hard for their family and yet you see no progress. There are people out there who studies at the evening and work in the morning just to gain enough knowledge. There are people out there who soak theirselves with their sweats and yet get the most menial salary.

Suddenly, I remember another father and child scene while I was riding a jeepney, this time, it was a daughter. I was riding the jeepney, with my headphones on and minding my own business when there directly in front of me was a father brushing her maybe seven year old daughter. Her daughter looked up on his father and kissed him on the cheeks and his father smiled so heavenly. I smiled and I thought of my father. Stuck in traffic, I continuously observed the father and daughter, the father was lecturing about the importance of education to the child. Suddenly, the child points out of the jeepney window and said, “look at the car dad, it’s so pretty,” her father smiled. He kissed her hair as he said in our dialect, “Someday when daddy has worked enough and he has money, I’ll buy that car so we won’t have to ride a jeepney.” I didn’t want to hear anymore. I turned the volume high on my mp3 player and loud booming music disturbed my ear drums.

I didn’t want to hear a father’s dream for his daughter, for his family and for himself. I didn’t want to hear because it pains me to know that these situations are actually happening. Most of all, I didn’t want to hear because it reminds me of what I have and what others don’t have.

I was back to the father and son and I walked really fast so I can be in front of them. I didn’t want to see any of these things anymore. These things remind me of a dream I had, that one day, our country will finally stand up and I’ll see progress in it. I dreamt of hope, but that was when I was young, when I was naïve and ignorant. I dreamt of our country to finally exhaust what it has instead of relying to other countries.

We claim to be an agricultural country, and yet we import our very own rice? We claim that we have the abundant natural resources in the world, and yet we let multi-national companies mine them in our very own land? We claim we have the most hardworking people, and yet we let them work to different countries? I do not blame the OFWs whose only want is to put food on their family’s plate and let their children be educated. I do not blame the multi-national company for abusing our land because our government actually lets them. So who to put the blame on? The government filled with corrupt, money hungry people? The Filipino people who can’t get enough of their crab mentality disorders? Who to blame? I don’t know.

I dream and I dreamt. The two fathers I saw are not just fathers; they are the Juan de la Cruz who vigorously dream of someday getting away from their slum neighborhoods. This is the real world I am going to be a part of someday. I’ll be one of them. It pains me to know that these things are really happening.

I know now why people take walks, it’s because they see simple things differently. Walks, they let you realize some things you’ve always seen but never really actually put on a thought to it. I never appreciated the old man who badgers me every time I walked passed by his stall of fish ball and tempura, begging me to buy one. I never appreciated the lady asking me to buy her fresh green mangoes. I never appreciated the old lady with her crutches on, selling me packed food.

There were things I really didn’t mind and didn’t appreciate, until now.

Someday, when I am able to reach my dreams, I will help the people who truly deserve it.

Lovers of the Night

The stars lit up the sky as two people lie in their backs in a field of greens. The wind made the field danced and the deafening silence of the night hype the solitude of the two people who lied side by side.

He was made of pure beauty, like Zeus himself created him from his bare hands. She was a touch of both Artemis and Aphrodite, strong, powerful and lovely at the same time.

It’s only been three months but she knew she love him already. She breathes the fresh mountain air as the stars glow in a dark night sky. It’s only been three months yet she knew this picturesque moment would remain in the abyss of her memories forever. She felt him stir, and she couldn’t help but look sideways in his direction. He was looking at her intently and she gave him a timid smile before returning to gaze the sparkling sky. She was aware that he was still looking at her, probably studying her profile and trying to figure her out.

“Amazing,” she whispered under her breath.

“What?” he said gently.

He felt her taking a deep breath before saying,

“You …”

“Me?” he asked, softly.

“The experience of you is amazing,” she looked at him and he look back at her.

Their eyes fixed at each other, and he look back at the stars before he loses his control.

“The stars, it’s beautiful,” he said after a moment of silent.

“It’s stunning ... it’s splendid,” she said quietly.

“I want to reach it,” he said looking at her keenly on his side. “But I’m afraid I’ll only break it when I have it,”

She gulp the fresh air and said back, “You assume much. You haven’t even traveled the road in acquiring it and you’re already afraid of what might happen.” She shifted her body to the side, so as to look at him easily, he did the same thing.

“It’ll be difficult to reach it,” he utter, looking at her eyes.

“Even stars fall,”

“Then I’d wait for the day it’ll fall,”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t do anything to make it fall for you,”

“How do I do that?”

“That’s the challenge,” she smirked at him and went back to staring at the sky.

After a moment she felt his hands on her. She smiled and their hands held each other.

It’s only been three months and he knew he would take the challenge.

It’s only been three months and she knew she’s a prisoner of his eyes.

She held his hands and knew they’re thrown into a journey of emotions.

He held her hands and look at the stars, knowing he’d do anything to let the stars fall for him.

It’s only been three months since they first met, yet it feels like they’ve known each other for eternity.

They were lovers of the night and the stars were the only witness of their romantic escapade.

Suitcase of Memories

The past is nothing but black and white. 

 I hid everything inside a suitcase of memories.Sometimes I check up on the past. I pick a piece inside the suitcase, I re-live it and remember it. Sometimes I go back to my happiest time and even my darkest hours. Sometimes, I just want to watch the past in my eyes and see how I changed. They are nothing but mere memories in my heart and in my mind. They are pictures, remains of what has been. 

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and changed something in my past. I think about the what if's and what could've been. But there is nothing I can do. I have to move and let go. There are those fragments in the past I don't ever want to remember, they are hidden in the bottom of the suitcase, in the darkest part where my hands couldn't touch them. Those are the memories that hurt me so deeply that I don't need something to remind me it happened because the scars can be seen in my actions and reactions, they are written all over me.

Sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes, the past crawls back and escape from the suitcase. It then creates havoc in a life where I built without it. The past always crawls back. I have been told by the greatest philosophers in the world that one cannot move on without making amends with the past. But how, how can I make amends with the past when I can't even face it? How can you forget it when in your sleep all you see is the face of the past? There's a simple way but I am afraid of it and so is everyone else. 

The only way for the past to stop crawling back is when you don't make it an issue. It's when you finally face it and tell everything that should have been said. It is only then can you make amends with it and only then will it not bother you.

You are a thing of my past. I don't see you in my future nor my present. Seeing you would mean breaking all the promises I made to never look you in the eye again. I'm afraid to see you again, I'm afraid to stare at your face, I'm afraid to laugh with you. I'm afraid because it brings me back to so much pain, so painful I haven't entirely move on from the effects you gave me. But I have to do this, it is the only way for you to be back in my suitcase of memories. It is the only way for you to be truly become a memory and not a life. 

You are a thing of my past, I'm over you. I got over you a long time ago. So now, the only thing left to do is face you and prove it to the world that I am really over you.

Close your eyes ....

The night is still and the music in my ears are the few vehicles I can hear from the street. It has been a long night for me. But not long enough to stop me from writing. I am tired and I am drained but somehow, I find myself into this place, my hand continuously typing words. It's probably because I was supposed to write something in this blog a few days ago but wasn't able to. There was the jeepney ride that took me away from reality, there was my realization of not looking back and my feelings for someone which I can't explain. 

It was a rainy afternoon when I took the jeepney ride, it was going to be a long ride was what I thought. But oh I was wrong, it was too short and I wished that jeepney ride continued on. I was on the front seat and the rain just started to fall. I had to close the window because I didn't want to be wet. I put my mp3 on and I started listening to music. I didn't know where it started, all I know was I started to stared blankly and thought of a world where everything goes happy. It's a happy world, no poor, no rich, no greed and anger, no pain and hate, just happiness. The fictional place started to fill my heart and I wished that everything in this world would be like that world. It was paradise, there  was me, the family I love, my friends and some old familiar faces smiling, playing and enjoying together that paradise. I woke up for a second or two and decided to change the music to a more upbeat one. I didn't want to be stuck in a world where I know wouldn't exist. But even the music of Britney Spear's did not stop my brain from wandering around that beautiful place. See, that was the place where hurts and disappointment did not exist, where everyone is sensitive to other's feeling, it was a place where I don't have to expect something in return because I'm sure the same thing will happen to me. It was a place where I want to be. It was a place where I don't have to expect, a place where I felt happy, a place where sadness and loneliness did not exist. It was the perfect place. There I was sitting on green fields with smile on my face because everything in that place brings me happiness, even the small gush of wind makes me smile. 

But, I woke up. The rain started to fall harder and that's when I realize that storms are reality, they come and go. I realized, at that moment I was inside a storm. The storm that was happening in my heart, my expectations, my dreams and everything I want to be. Sometimes, you have to be in a storm to appreciate the importance of rainbows and sunshine. 

Talking about storms and sunshine, I know that a decision can either bring storms or sunshine in my life. I have learned not to look back even when everything is falling hard. Regrets is looking back. I don't want to have regrets in my life. So why not walk away when you can't take it, just walk away and don't turn back. I literally didn't turned my back when I decided to walk away. It's not that I had any ill feelings for them, it's the feeling that they give me. I felt like an outcast, an outsider, a stranger. No, they are still in my life and they will be forever a part of it. I walked away in that moment because I didn't want to feel like someone who invited myself in a group where I wasn't wanted. I walked away because I needed to move on, I needed to realize that sometimes, this happens in real life. Sometimes, the people you thought your friends with are the people who makes you feel worthless. I don't know if that's what God designed for friendship but all I know that everyone will feel like this towards their closest friends. I walked away because I needed to know that I can be independent, I walked away because I needed to find myself. Who am I and What can I do are questions I should have an answer by the end of this school year. I am not saying that all your life you can't look back, what I'm saying is there are things better left like what it is than trying to fix it and get yourself hurt. Sometimes, all we can do is leave it and not to turn back. 

Then there's him, a person who makes me smile, a person who gives me hope. No, he's not the love of my life nor is he my crush. He is just a person that simply makes me smile, nothing less and nothing more. 

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It's been a long night, a really long one at that. So let the night be still and let the souls sleep. 

^__^

I Liked You - A Love Letter

I like you and my heart can attest to that. I remember when I first realized that I like you, I couldn't stop wondering why my heart chose you. But maybe, that's just how nature works, you just can't understand it sometimes. 

I like you and I mean I really really like you. Well, I used to like you anyway. 

So I guess the right way to put it is, I liked you. 

They don't understand how much I liked you. They think that they do but they don't have any inkling of how my heart feels when you're with me. How many times have I told them that I don't feel the usual "electricity" when I see you? How many times did I told them to stop teasing me because it really has no effect? The truth is, I think of you and I miss you. But no electricity, no heart pounding and no blushing is the way that I liked you. 

How does my heart feels when I'm with you? Simply happy, simply glad, simply light and just simply smiling. Your's was  the only smile I could truly consider that brightens up my day. I love talking to you and I can't explain it in words. I can talk to you about almost anything in this world, like the man I always dreamed of.It's simple as that. Talking to you is like the most natural thing in the world and that doesn't happen all the time.

When I see your crazy smile it makes me smile and suddenly its as if I can do anything, I'm serious and I'm not being cheesy. It's you. The way you talk to me, the way you smile at me, the way you make me laugh, the way you make me feel secure, I like that.

You really don't have any idea about how I feel. You make me smile but you don't know it. You make me feel beautiful and I don't even know why. 

I like you but I wasn't in love with you. I used to think that maybe this is how love works in the process. When you truly like someone, you don't need to feel all those electricity or like your floating. When you truly like someone all you have to feel is gladness that you're with that person and you wouldn't trade the moment for anything.

Maybe that's what love is. You don't need to feel all those feelings described in romance novels. You only need to be YOU because the person who can accept the real you is the person you want to be with. You make me feel like ME, like I'm at my best when I'm with you. You bring out the best of me and you don't even know it.

It was a beautiful journey. Liking you is one of the best things that happened to me because you made me realize so much. About me, about happiness and about moving on when its time.

You don't know you did all these things to me. I stand at the sunshine alone but I also stand at the rain alone. I liked you, I really did. But I can't keep on holding things that aren't meant to be mine. You're not meant to be mine, we're not meant to be together. I stand with my unrequited love alone in this journey because no one would understand how I felt. 

Love and like, it's not all about being in the sky all the time, it's about when someone pulls you to the ground and make you feel like a real person and then embrace you as a person, who can makes so many mistakes. It's when someone tells you its okay to cry and okay for your hair to be messy because it really doesn't matter. Love and like, its not just that the other person really cares about you, its how that other person makes you feel when you're confuse and you feel freaking ugly. 

I really can't explain why I liked you and I guess no one will understand. It will be kept in the hearts of people who experienced the same thing. 

But now the time has come for me to turn around and walk away from you. I'll surely miss the feeling but it's the right thing to do. You can't keep me hanging forever. I need to search what really love is for me and you, you're a part of it, but not the meaning of it.

I say goodbye to you, the person who made me want to fall in love all over again, fearlessly. Goodbye to the person who opened up my heart of the idea of love again. 

Goodbye, to the only person who and will always make me feel high and grounded at the same time.

I maybe alone in the rain but it doesn't mean I can't dance with it.

Remembering you forever,

Black Orchid

Time in the Past

Time is an unpredictable element in the world. It doesn’t stop or wait for anyone. Once it’s wasted, it is gone forever. Time, it goes so very fast when you need it to go slow the most. 

It was a fine day when time caught up with me, the past actually. For a very long time I’ve been avoiding the past but sooner or later, the past always catches up. You see, you can’t bury the past. You can’t escape it, the truth is it’s a part of your life, whether you like it or not. 

On that fine summer day, the past stood in front of me. I tried to open my eyes as hard as I could because once I close my eyes, the past will own me. I tried, but I gave up. I gave up when I started to smell the sweet scent of spring and started to see the beautiful flowers around. I slowly close my eyes and the blurry past became as clear as water. 

They call it “a walk down memory lane”. I neither walk nor run down memory lane, I experienced it all over again, and I felt it like I’ve never moved on. 

I opened my eyes as quickly as I closed it. The sweet scent was exhilarating, it’s as bitter as the past. 

I stared in the past and I took a deep breath and asked it what it was doing in my present.

What are you doing here? I said, almost like a whisper.

I am you. You are me. It said in an echoed voice.

Time, it will erase you. I told it.

It will when you will face me, but until then, you are bound to me and I will forever appear every now and then. 

No, you have to stop. I’m happy now. 

Happy? You have been avoiding me.

Because you make me unhappy. You make me feel pain. I don’t want to …

Feel pain? I do not intend to do it. I intend to remind you that I am here.

But I don’t want to. I have a choice to forget you.

You cannot forget me. I am you. I am a part of you. Face me and you can bury me in your deepest memory.

I can’t face you. Tears started falling from eyes.

You cannot fool me. You are not happy. You are trapped, caged by me. Until then, you’ll never be truly free or happy. It told me. Its white long cloak danced with the wind.

I was you and I am still you. Embrace me; it is only ‘till then can you say that you are free. I am the nightmare that crawls within you; the lies that comes out of your mouth. Face me and I shall grant you your freedom.

I closed my eyes and let its echoed voice linger in my ears. When I opened my eyes, it was gone but I know that it’ll be back.

The past, it has a way of crawling up on you when you least expect it. There is no other way but to face the past. It is only then when you face the past can you become who you want to be. 

I believe that the past does not define who you are now that is why I never bothered to say hi to my past. It was the past after all, just a hazy memory. I have seen the past before but it never stood before me. When it did stood before me, I knew then that I could not escape it anymore. 

I wondered, as the sweet scent of spring and the bitterness that it bring slowly disappeared into the day, how many people are prisoners of their past. Time is really unpredictable. You cannot move on without making amends of your past.

5 Centimeters Per Second

5 Centimeters per Second is a story about love, time, loss and moving on. A breathtakingly movie with beautiful imagery and animation from popular anime artist and director Makoto Shinkai. The movie is divided into three chapters with each chapters coming from different point of their lives. The first chapter is during when both of them were young. The second chapter is how Takaki struggled to move on and how a girl namely Sumida, fell in love with him. The third chapter shows both Takaki and Akira in their adult lives.

This movie tells the tale of a young couple Tano Takaki and Shinohara Akira and how they grew fond of each other, how they drift apart and how sometimes, time and distance really matters. 

I stumbled upon this anime when I was searching for anime photos with sunset on it. I saw one of the screen shots of the anime and a blog reviewing the movie. I thought of watching the film and indeed it was beautiful. The film is full of symbolism. It's a heartbreaking movie that tells the realities of love. 

5 Centimeters per Second is said to be the speed of a cherry blossom's petal when it falls into the ground. The speed is use as a metaphor of how people can be sometimes towards love. 

Another beautiful symbolism in the movie is the imagery of the sky. Takaki has a recurring dream about watching the sky with Akira on his side. This scene tells us how we want something so beautiful but its too far too reach. All we can do is stare at its beauty for the longest time, trying to reach it with our hands but never really touching it. This is the love of the two main characters in their story. Their love for each other is almost perfect but distance is against them and so is time.

Time doesn't heal everything but instead it only makes the pain less. Takaki never really move on from his first love Akira. He had a previous relationship for three years but choose to break up because he knew he was still hang up with Akira. Like what he said, "Even if we were to exchange a thousand emails ... Our heart would probably not move even one centimeter closer together".

On the first chapter we see Akira running on the other side of the train rails before the train passes byleaving Takaki on the other side. This scene is repeated on the last part. This time, both of them were grown ups. They pass each other on the rail, probably recognizing each other. Both of them paused and turn around just after the train pass by. Takaki waited until the train passed to see who the lady is on the other side. However, the lady was no where to be found. Takaki looked sad and then smiled bitterly, he walked away from the rails. Just like how Akari moved on, he should move on too. He should stop living in the past and try to find a new life with which Akari is not a part of. 

Love does not always with stand against distance and time. No matter how true the love is, sometimes, it's really not meant to be.

There is so much to tell about this film. I'm afraid that I might spoil everything. There are so many scenes that I left out. This movie is deep and so real. It's sad and beautiful at the same time.

Are we really slow like the cherry blossom's petal? We tend to forget to appreciate all the love that we have right now and we don't even know when we will part.

"Our lives spread out before us ... are too large, an endless amount of time"

"At what speed must I live to be able to see you again?"

Here is the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDBH4xCE9ys&feature=fvst

You can watch the film here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPCaAJ3BogE&feature=related