I've been fighting something inside of me, you can say, it's my battle with my very own demons. And if you've been here, you very well know, that the biggest fight really, is with one's self. Lately, I've been feeling negative and all of these realizations crashing into me like a tidal wave. I'm trying my best to keep afloat and keep up with the currents, but sometimes, it so easy to just let it carry me. And I do that sometimes, I let it carry me, but only for a moment. Because I know, that it's too dangerous to be taken over by emotions.
I am trying my best to feel new and fresh. I've cut my hair hoping that the physical change will cover up the changes happening inside me. And for a while, it worked. There were moments though, moments like this, that it starts to come back. I know, it won't go away until I really know what's happening. The scary thing is, I think I know what's happening, heck I do know. I'm too scared to face it. I've never been put in a position to show so much vulnerability.
See, this is the thing about being too strong for other people. When it's your time, you really don't know how to act because you've seen so many broken people, and you just fight not to be one of them. And I am fighting and I am struggling.
The truth is, I do know what's happening. It's just change. Really, the world around me is changing and pretty damn quick, I can't keep up. And the past is catching up, and its always, always wrong when the past catches up. I cannot let myself be in a time warp but I'm just so scared of facing the changes.
Moments like this, I tend to retreat. I try my best to call for help. I ask people out - but I get rejected because again, the world is changing. And the constant rejection is just a reminder of it. My needy self is so freaking annoying. So I tend to just crawl in my bed, read my book, get lost inside of that world and I dread when I finally have to put it down. My reality is still there, facing me, haunting me. Sometimes, I watch a movie but they only last for two hours or so. Sometimes, I write, but there's just too much emotions the dictionary don't even have names for it.
Even when someone takes up my invitation for a cup of coffee, I don't really know what to say to them. I just say, I'm fighting my own demons. And really, I don't want to hear so much BS from them. I want to hear them say that whatever I'm feeling right now, is okay. That it's perfectly normal for being in this position. That it's alright to feel so much and nothing at the same time. That it is okay, to not be okay.
But for now, let me just say, I'm trying my best. Really, I will not let these demons win. I won't let my negative side defeat my positive side. And whenever I look at the mirror, I assure myself, that the face looking back at me will disappear, and the face that I usually recognize for the past 22 years of my life will be back. And when that happens, I'm gonna be kicking whatever negativity out of me.
Because I'll be okay.
