Losing my way

I don't want to sound so dramatic and overly sad, but there's nothing really much to do but release all of these feelings inside me through writing.

I've been fighting something inside of me, you can say, it's my battle with my very own demons. And if you've been here, you very well know, that the biggest fight really, is with one's self. Lately, I've been feeling negative and all of these realizations crashing into me like a tidal wave. I'm trying my best to keep afloat and keep up with the currents, but sometimes, it so easy to just let it carry me. And I do that sometimes, I let it carry me, but only for a moment. Because I know, that it's too dangerous to be taken over by emotions.

I am trying my best to feel new and fresh. I've cut my hair hoping that the physical change will cover up the changes happening inside me. And for a while, it worked. There were moments though, moments like this, that it starts to come back. I know, it won't go away until I really know what's happening. The scary thing is, I think I know what's happening, heck I do know. I'm too scared to face it. I've never been put in a position to show so much vulnerability.

See, this is the thing about being too strong for other people. When it's your time, you really don't know how to act because you've seen so many broken people, and you just fight not to be one of them. And I am fighting and I am struggling.

The truth is, I do know what's happening. It's just change. Really, the world around me is changing and pretty damn quick, I can't keep up. And the past is catching up, and its always, always wrong when the past catches up. I cannot let myself be in a time warp but I'm just so scared of facing the changes.


Moments like this, I tend to retreat. I try my best to call for help. I ask people out - but I get rejected because again, the world is changing. And the constant rejection is just a reminder of it. My needy self is so freaking annoying. So I tend to just crawl in my bed, read my book, get lost inside of that world and I dread when I finally have to put it down. My reality is still there, facing me, haunting me. Sometimes, I watch a movie but they only last for two hours or so. Sometimes, I write, but there's just too much emotions the dictionary don't even have names for it.

Even when someone takes up my invitation for a cup of coffee, I don't really know what to say to them. I just say, I'm fighting my own demons. And really, I don't want to hear so much BS from them. I want to hear them say that whatever I'm feeling right now, is okay. That it's perfectly normal for being in this position. That it's alright to feel so much and nothing at the same time. That it is okay, to not be okay.


But for now, let me just say, I'm trying my best. Really, I will not let these demons win. I won't let my negative side defeat my positive side. And whenever I look at the mirror, I assure myself, that the face looking back at me will disappear, and the face that I usually recognize for the past 22 years of my life will be back. And when that happens, I'm gonna be kicking whatever negativity out of me.

Because I'll be okay.

Of empty days and wandering souls

“If you want to know where your heart is, look where your minds goes when it wanders.”


The quote struck me at a time when I was most desperate; it became my living motto for awhile. I was struggling and confuse. Where was I going? What should I do with my life? And what really is my passion?

Even now, the answers of those questions escape me. But that quote, etched thru my heart like a burning vein. I finally got on the right track and for a time, those questions were buried with work, fun nights and talks over coffee.

Those days however, are lingering memories. And like what they say, the past always have a way of crawling up to the present. Having some time for myself, I have realized that I still have to answer those questions. Do I have to answer them now? No, I believe that the right time will come when I know the answers of those questions, and I won’t even ask them, I’ll just know.

Empty days are following me, and that quote came to my mind. Now that I am more alone than ever, or wait, maybe I should use the word ‘independent’ instead of alone? Now that I am more independent than ever, I find myself with more meandering questions about my soul and my passion.

Passion, by dictionary definition is an intense emotion, compelling feeling, enthusiasm or desire for something. Really simple to understand yet difficult to capture. How do you find something that you can’t let go of? The word was always just a word until I asked myself, what is my passion?

The question roams my mind. It often visits me at night, when I’m about to close my eyes, sometimes, it visits me on unexpected times. It just pops out and I’m back to wondering.

A soul wanderer that I am, I continue to struggle to find my place. But maybe, this is what life is supposed to be. Maybe I should be lost in order for me to find where I’m supposed to be. Maybe, I should wander first before finally settling down on something. Maybe, in the process, I stumble upon myself, a self that I have never known.

And maybe then, can the empty days be my calming days and the soul wanderer won't have to wander too far.

Project Me

I guess I took another bitter pill and I'm not really sure how to not translate it into writing, but I'll try my best not to. I'm back to where I started, or maybe not. Maybe I changed a bit, but this feeling I have just seems all too familiar. This feeling of loneliness, abandonment and rejection. I know these are all just feelings, and I can see that I'm not alone and I was never abandoned nor rejected, but why do I feel like this?

So instead of focusing my energy into all those feelings, I decided to focus on myself. Half of the year flew like a paper in the air and I'm determined to make the remaining half about myself. I guess before, I always put other people first, because I really didn't find any problem with myself. While others have issues to resolve, I look at myself in the mirror and sees a perfectly satisfied career woman. But deep inside, I know that I have issues that I need to face. 

 

By this time next year, I want to be another person. I want to be more confident with who and what I am. I want to be able to discover myself. I want to be able to stand in a crow without feeling anxious and suffocated. I want to be able to look other people's happiness and not feel left out. I want to be able to make new friends, who understands me and all of the baggage that I have. I want to move my career. I want to be more independent, emotionally, mentally and financially. I want to be the person I want to be. 

So project: ME ME ME is on. 

Summer of Dreams

Dear Summer,

All throughout the year I longed for your kiss and for exciting days to come. Remnants of our past have once again enveloped my memories. You are my first love and will always be my favorite. 

As each day pass, I see the eminent change I have foreseen. This year, you are more different than ever. Independence is my strongest weapon to get you and enjoy you like I used to. Life has changed for me, and so have you. 

I feel your kiss all over my body, and how much I want to kiss you back. But like the moon and the sun, we can only be together once in a while. This life, this passion of mine, I cannot abandon it. So I steal glimpses and kisses. I escape reality and embrace you for I missed you. You welcome me like the queen of the sea and shower me with kisses and laughter. You whisk me away to paradise and there we share our love for each other. There, you envelope me with memories of the past and dreams of the future.

You, Summer, always make me feel like I can be anything. The wind singing in my ears, the waves dancing in my eyes and you whispering, telling me I can be who I want to be with. This is why you will always be my favorite. 

In a month's time, you will go away again, leaving me to reality. And although it pains me to see you go, this I know is for the best. I can only handle so much of your kisses and dreams. 

Before you go, I promise I'll spend time with you. 

Thank you Summer of '13.

Drifting Apart

Once upon a time, we laughed together at a cafe', sing our hearts out in a karaoke session, drank 'till the sun rises and went off to a place only you and I know. Those were the days of young age, innocence and freedom. Times have change, no, not really, but circumstances have change. We can't seem to find time for each other, we stopped texting, we stopped hanging out and poof, we realize it's been months since we haven't seen each other. 

We hear stories from friends about each other, we laugh about the thought of each other getting into crazy places. Friends asks us about us and we can only say, "I don't know, I haven't seen her in a long time." 

We grew up and for most of us, it mean growing apart too. And though I thought we'd be doing crazy things together forever, circumstances just didn't let us. We both started meeting new people, enjoyed hanging out with them and eventually they became the people to go to. We forgot we had each other, no, not really, but we both thought we're too busy for each other, and so we meet up with other people. 

Despite this, we both smile at the times when we did stuff together. You grew up with me, and none of those friends will ever experience the tantrums and the fits I showed you back then. A few scars here and there was shared with you. We dreamed together, of our future, of a life we wish we had, of traveling the world together, seeing a concert of our favorite band, going on a cruise, of the men we'll marry, the names of our children and many other things our minds could imagine. You saw me first, for who I am, who I was and who I would be. You believed in me when I say things will work out for us. 

I miss you. Sometimes when I wake up in a Sunday morning, I go back to the times when we would run away from the world and embrace the breeze, taking everything in. On these occasional moments, I laugh like I’m a little child again, because I remember; even though a few things are blurry.

Memories of us may get blurry or even fade away but I will never forget the feeling whenever I’m was with you. We will always share something, the past can never change, and for that I am thankful. Once upon a time, I had you and you had me. We were going to show the world together that we could do the things that we’ve only dreamed of.

For reasons we can never phantom, we just drifted apart. I’m sorry for not keeping the promises we once made. I apologize for not making the best effort of connecting with you. But sometimes, we need to take a step to learn more and grow more. I will never forget you and I hope you won’t forget me too.

People drifts apart, they move on and they make new memories. This is the cycle of life. 

Memories of January

Let me start this post with a beautiful shot of Ormoc Bay I took when I had to say goodbye to my home and a smiling me. :)

How time flies! It's February already, January flew away like a paper in the wind. So many things and goals to do this 2013. I have always been the crazy kind of a person who does things and sometimes, don't finish it, but not this year please. This year, I plan to do a few things that I have never done before and/or have been putting off for a long time.

To start off the year, I met my friends for dinner. This was a promise we made before the year started, that we'll go grab dinner to celebrate the new year. We ended up just eating and talking. :)

I had to do this on my own.

And then, I got sick, and I  don't mean I got a fever, I meant the painful sick. Apparently, my immune system got weak during the Christmas holidays and I got a lump over my lower back, full of pus. I'm not gonna share you the details, it's all gory and eewwwyyyy. So anyway, for a full week I was in constant pain and needed pain meds to get through the day. It was almost three weeks before I got better and until now, the lump is still there.

Pain meds and antibiotic among other tings.

 Then there was Sinulog. If you know me, then you know I absolutely hate crowds, unless I know I'm secured with the air I breathe, literally. I get so anxious when I'm in a crowd that I almost always pass out because I couldn't breathe. I ended up celebrating Sinulog at the rooftop of Harolds Hotel with good friends for company. Drinking beer and good conversations are a perfect match to make a great Sinulog memory.

Two nights before Sinulog, we went out and had fun in this magical place. 

We got high and then we got headaches, but the memories was lovely.

Sinulog night, drinking out with friends and fireworks!

Awesome friends for an awesome vacation.

I traveled, this was far by the best thing that happened to my new year. Traveling early in the year would mean I get to travel the whole year round, well I hope the universe would allow me to do saw. And if my travel is any indication of my travels are gonna go, then I'm gonna have a great travel experience this year. I went to Boracay with two of my favorite friends, Mai-Mai and Idyll. This was planned last year and the ticket were bought last year too. We had so much fun there, we even met a new friend. :) So many details I hope my memory could retain. We did water sports, and my favorite was the para-sailing and thank God for the new friend because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even dare of doing it. But I found myself in the skies and my eyes was full of endless beauty and my heart filled with calmness and peacefulness I never imagined I'd ever feel.

Well, that's not me, but that's how we sail!

The water was just lovely and so was the jetski experience! Oh and the sunset too!

My January ended, the holiday air might be gone, but memories of January lingers on to me.

When I got sick, I went home to Ormoc. My mom made me pancakes <3 br="">Best memory ever. I love my parents so much

February is here, and I hope to make more great memories with this month, the month of love. :)

When I'm Gone

I guess at one point in my life I’ll just have to learn to move on and get over with it all. When I say all, I mean everything, from your dazzling eyes to your quirky personality, from all the memories we shared and those fantasies of mine that never happened.

Until such time will come, let me enjoy the things that would eventually bring me heartaches. I’ll breath your all ‘till i can release them through my tears when I’ll finally give you up.

I know, I will never have you, I never had a chance. But even though I know that perfectly well, a part of me still hopes. And until the day that part of me dies, I’ll continue on loving you even when you can’t feel the same.

Don’t worry over me because I chose this and I will move on and get over you. You will miss me, I’ll make sure of that. When I’m gone, I will leave you with the sweet scent of my love. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.

Summer of Grace

Dear Summer,

I know it's been a long time, a very long time. My apologies for forgetting. 

You have given me an awesome one, Summer. I enjoyed a few more moments with you and I got a job as you end. It was then that I realized that even though I will be unable to enjoy you the way I have in the past, you of all seasons, bring me the best of lucks. 

Only a few days before I will experience that powerful moment of leaving this year and going into a new one.  I have realized that I have changed and the world have changed for me. I now see things differently. My innocence has been taken by the harshness of the real world, though grace and purity still lies inside of me. 

It is not easy. Friends drift apart and people come and go. I meet new people and reconnect with old friends. People do surprise you, or maybe, the universe surprise you. You get a new meaning when you wake up early in the morning and go home late because of work. And the routine that I hate most has become a part of me. 

I constantly find myself stuck. I am stuck with the same people, stuck with my work and stuck on a special person. Not that I am ungrateful of these. Being with the same people gives you a certain familiarity, they feel like home in a warm sunny day. I am only thankful that in times of these crazy emotions, I know I can run to someone. 

Ah, but of course I mean a friend, a very good friend of mine. In the course of this year, I have also realized that love for thyself and for others is important. It is only when one love thyself can they truly love others, even if it hurts. And I mean this in a very platonic way. The last six months have been challenging for me, but of course, it wasn't Summer, and I have nowhere to escape anymore when June comes. 

So many heartaches this year but looking at the bright side, so many opportunities also opened up. There is only one thing that the world would ask from you, TIME. This is what you have to sacrifice in order to get where you want to be. You lose the time for your friends, for your family and even for yourself. This has come to my attention, and I have realized this a bit too late. In 2013, I have decided to spend my time wisely. 

But I think I'm writing too much. Summer, I wish I could crawl back in to the beach and lie in the sand, just enjoying the warm sunshine in my skin. Oh how I long for the summer wind to take me away. I'll see you again until then, I shall live life to the fullest.

Review: Will Grayson, Will Grayson

I fell into the young adult novel bandwagon when I first read Perks of Being a Wallflower. I realized that I absolutely love books with theme of finding oneself because in some way or another, I can relate to it.

I first read John Green based on a recommendation by a friend who urged me to read The Fault in Our Stars. Well, the title already persuaded me. Believe me, I’m such a sucker for good titles. The Fault in Our Stars was a very good book; it made me both cry and laugh. And so, because Green was good in this book, maybe he is a good writer after all.

 So I read, Looking for Alaska, and boom, not a disappointment.

And so, this is the start of my quest to read all John Green books. I came about Will Grayson, Will Grayson, a collaboration of John Green and David Levithan. And I tell you, this far is my favorite book from Green.

Plot:

One cold night, in a most unlikely corner of Chicago, two teens—both named Will Grayson—are about to cross paths. As their worlds collide and intertwine, the Will Graysons find their lives going in new and unexpected directions, building toward romantic turns-of-heart and the epic production of history’s most fabulous high school musical.

The story revolves around two high school kids, same name, with totally different lives. One unexpected night, in a porn store, they met each other. And this forever changed their lives. Somehow, it is a love story, but not entirely. The book tells us about denial, accepting, rejection, unrequited love and platonic love.

I am glad that this book simply tells the story of normal high school kids, all of whom are finding their selves with the help of their circle of friends. Each of the characters stories are well woven in a binding story that leaves a mark on your heart. Even the “best friends” of the characters have stories of their own that made this book more refreshing than it is.

I absolutely fell in love with this book because: it is funny, it is well written by both authors, it is simple and yet realistic, both Will Graysons are great and Tiny Cooper.

The quotes of the books were all great. J I cannot believe that I kept on posting in my facebook and twitter the quotes of this book.

I highly recommend this book. Laugh and cry with Will Graysons, and then feel proud of them. The original Will Grayson who chose his best friend and the Will Grayson who accepted himself.

Great book is great!

Let me offer you a view with all these awesome quotes:

“You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot. ” 

“When things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.”  

“I do not say 'good-bye.' I believe that's one of the bullshittiest words ever invented. It's not like you're given the choice to say 'bad-bye' or 'awful-bye' or 'couldn't-care-less-about-you-bye.' Every time you leave, it's supposed to be a good one. Well, I don't believe in that. I believe against that.” 

“This is why we call people exes, I guess - because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. It's too easy to see an X as a cross-out. It's not, because there's no way to cross out something like that. The X is a diagram of two paths.” 

“i will admit there's a certain degree of giving a fuck that goes into not giving a fuck. by saying you don't care if the world falls apart, in some small way you're saying you want it to stay together, on your terms.” 

“Being in a relationship, that's something you choose. Being friends, that's just something you are. . . [But] I do pick you. . . We've been friends too long to pick, but if we could pick, I'd pick you.” 

“need is never a good basis for any relationship. it has to be much more than that.” 

“that's it - hundreds of texts and conversations, thousands upon thousands of words spoken and sent, all boiled down into a single line. is that what relationships become?” 

“You know what’s a great metaphor for love? Sleeping beauty. Because you have to plow through this incredible thicket of thorns in order to get to beauty, and even then, when you get there, you still have to wake her up.”

 “maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. it's gonna hurt. it's gonna hurt because it matters.”  

The Beauty of Unrequited Love

I’ve fallen for you. I don’t know how or when it happened, I just did. I fell hard and no one was there to catch me, not even you. But that’s okay, that’s what I get for devoting a piece of my heart to someone who can’t even looked at me the way I looked at him.

It might have happened the first time you smiled at me. Or maybe that one time when you looked so concern when I almost lost my balance, you were there to catch me then. I don’t know, I can’t be sure now. But I did fell for you, and I do like you. I like you very much.

I want you to stand in the ocean. See that? That’s how much I like you, maybe even bigger and wider than the sea.

I want you to dance in the rain. Feel that? That’s how silly I feel when you’re around me, but it always makes me happy, always.

I want you to watch Somewhere in Time. Got that? I will go back in time if I can and have that moment with you.

Have you heard of the song I Will? No? How about this:

Who knows how long I’ve loved you?

You know I love you still

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

If you want me to I will.

So yeah, if you want me to, I will wait for you. This song might sound sad when it starts, but it’s actually a really happy song. 

I love you forever and forever

I love you with all my heart

And really, it is a song about waiting for the right person. And yes, I am waiting for the right person and I’m hoping it is you.

But I know, we have to face reality. You and I? Might never happened. But I guess that’s the beauty of unrequited love, it grows even when it doesn’t get the attention it deserves. It grows in a way that once-requited love cannot. Yes, I read that somewhere. And I can actually say, that much is true.

Can you imagine? Liking someone for so long. Devoting so much of oneself to someone who doesn’t even care. Now that is love, unrequited that is.

I daydream all the time. There would be this one time that you’d suddenly ask me out for coffee, we talk, you realized how much in common we have, you ask me out again. And that’s how we start our love story. 

Or maybe we got stuck in the rain. We talk, we laugh and we dance in the rain. You realized you like me, you ask me out. And that’s how we start our love story.

So many scenarios, none of them may even happen. But these thoughts actually make me happy in a way that people who have never felt this way will never be able understand. Like they say, wishing and dreaming is free after all.

I read once that when you wish exactly at 11:11, you’re wish will come true. I wished for you. :)

But I know, these things will never happen. So let me be with them. Don’t try to act like you care, because it’ll only make me fall harder. Don’t try to make me feel special, because it’ll only hurt me. And don’t say “we’re just friends,” because that much I know. 

I like you, I might even love you, but know this, I know where I stand. You’ll always be the guy I’ve devoted years of my life, without you even noticing. But that’s fine, I chose this. I chose you. Or rather, my heart did. 

And you know what, you’re so vain you probably think this blog is about you.


Disclaimer: This is just some random rant.  

Imperfect to Perfect Escapades

One fine day, my close friend called me up. Like what we usually do, we say hi, hello and asked how each other is. Of course, there is always something to rant about!

We both decided we needed a break. She was having a rough time and I was being too emotional with many things. Bottom line is, we were both having crap in our lives we just needed to breathe in and out. Suggestion came flying in and we finally settle on going to Moalboal. We both love the beach and my god, it'll be so relaxing to just lay around the beach all day. We set the date, it'll be on November 17.

You cannot believe how so much things can happen in a span of three to four weeks. We almost never got the break we deserved. But I pushed her into doing it and we ended up in a perfect escapade. :)

We realized that Moalboal is too far away and it's a little expensive. So we ended up going to Crimson Resort. I absolutely loved that day! Just the two of us, taking a nap in the beach, swimming with fishes, eating food, and living the resort life!

That was the break I needed, and she needed. But wait, we're not yet done. We promised to do something on February. I wonder where we're going, but definitely out of Cebu!

Yey to good friendships and imperfect escapades!

The beautiful view of the pool

Traditional vanity shot near the pool :)

With the good/great/best friend.

The view from our lounger, the beach is beautiful!

Fitness Buff??

I was never skinny and the truth is, I never dreamt to be one. I have attempted losing weight a lot of times, but none of them really worked. I think because I lack determination. 

Last Saturday, I enrolled myself in the gym. I was about to make an excuse to a friend who suggested it, but I told myself that I need to do this. And before I changed my mind, I told my friend that I will be seeing her in the gym that day. And so, the journey starts. 

I will not promise that this will last, because honestly, I am not yet ready to make that commitment to myself. I know, why am I doing this if I can't even commit it, right? But c'mon, I work 10 hrs a day, I barely have time to relax at home and I often sleep early because I have to work again early the next day. That is my routine. 

Today was my first time to go to the gym from work. I told myself that I had to bring my gym clothes and things to work with me, because if I don't, then I will never be able to go to the gym. If I have decided to go home before going to the gym, that would have been the end of it. There are too many temptations at home, there is the laptop, the bed, the bed, the bed. You know what I mean. So far, it was okay but it really is tiring. I am still trying to figure things on how this will work out. I am hopeful to keep this lifestyle. I intend to do it on a long term basis. 

My diet? I don't have a specific diet yet. I try not to eat pork anymore and not eating much for dinner. I am keeping a food diary where I can write what I ate. Studies show that people who keep food diaries are more likely to lose weight. So this is a start. Why I don't have a diet yet? Again, I work 10 hours a day, I don't know where I can insert my dinner and I really have no idea what to eat before going to the gym. I don't want to eat just anything. I want to eat light, but I always think that I might passed out in the gym. So yeah, I need to research this. Trial and error is the key. So my diet needs to be more specific and more planned. I hope to do a diet plan for myself in a month's time. Quite long, I know, but like I said, I'm still trying to work things out and understanding everything. I don't want to jump in another diet wagon just because it worked on Kate Middleton or Britney Spears. I need research, hello!

Why am I doing this? For my health. I want to be more fit. I want to be able to run 3kms without hurting myself. I want to be able to go into a crowd without having my anxiety attacks. But let's not kid each other, why of course I want to fit in small sizes. Of course, I want to look good. Of course I want to be 50lbs lighter. Of course, these are just some reasons. I will not lie, other than health purposes, I also want to look good for myself. The confidence that I will have! Imagine!

Let's stay fit everyone! 

Admit it

Everybody wants to be loved. I want to be loved. But just because you want it, doesn't mean you get it. Sometimes, you need to wait. You get lonely sometimes, admit it. However, at the end of the day, you smile because you know good things comes to those who wait.

Some things aren't meant to be in this world. You get your heart broken, admit it, you get bitter and sour about it. But if you believe in meant to bes then you have to believe in not meant to bes too. Close your eyes, you are where you are now because of what you have done in the past. If you want to push forward, move on, let go, swim over the water and burn the bridge down. Don't ever look back. Just continue walking, and someday, when you do look back, you can smile because you know, you have moved on. 

Made a mistake? Apologize for it. Apologize to the one you hurt and forgive yourself for it. It is not easy to forgive, and that is why forgiveness is a gift for the strong. Owe up to your mistake, stand up, sincerely say sorry. Move on. Learn from it. Don't let it happen again. But c'mon, admit it, it will happen again, not because we didn't learn from it, but sometimes, life just throw us a curve ball.

Thinking of going to the beach? Go and enjoy the sea breeze. Relax, reflect and be happy at the beach. Water is a mysterious element, it is very destructive, but it is also the element of peacefulness and serenity. Learn to love water. Relax in it, go swim in it, know it and let it take over you. Let's admit it, who doesn't love going to the beach?

Confuse with life? Get confuse. Nothing is wrong with not knowing what to do. The important thing is you don't go astray. Know what is right and wrong, stick to the right because it will lead you to the right path. Let yourself be lost, because in order to find yourself, you have to be lost first. Admit it, being lost can be quite fun too.

Let yourself go once in a while. Have fun, but always know that it has limitation. Excess but in control, remember that. Just admit everything to yourself, don't deny any emotions. Be sad if you're sad. Be happy if you feel happy. Be lonely if you have to. Remember, it is these emotions that makes us human. 

Mom, Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful woman in the entire planet. To the strongest woman I know, I love you and thank you for everything.

My mother is an awesome woman. Giving birth to 5 children, and a few miscarriages on the way. She has stood through all the rough storms and came out, though wet, even stronger. She is our bread winner. Using her intelligence, she made her way through society. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be where I am today. And I just don't mean that in terms of her financial help for college and everything. She was my inspiration. I did everything that I can so I wouldn't disappoint her. Here is a woman, who lost her mother when she was 15 and practically grew up alone, only to have a baby at 20 and live in a life of difficulties. But she made it through. My parents helped each other to achieve where we are now.

See? What right do I have to slack in school when I have hardworking parents who gave up everything they had for me and my siblings? What right do I have to shout back at them? What right do I have to not say thank you?

So everyday, I say thank you to God for giving me parents so wonderful. And to my mom, who have sacrifice so many things for us, her youth, her beauty, her happiness and her life, just to give us everything that we have now.

Mom, I love you, all your children do. You have never kept anything from us, we know what you've been through. When life punched you, you kicked it's ass. So thank you for making us strong, for keeping us grounded and for loving all our imperfections.

Happy Birthday queen B!

Those Days

I miss the days that have gone by. Those moments of simple smiles and those that is extraordinarily special. Those days when we laughed so hard, we cried. Remember the sleepless nights? We talk so much we didn't even notice the sun was up.

I miss the days that have gone by. Like shadow, they walked pass through us, without us noticing them. Like old writings in the wall, they've faded slowly.

I miss the days that have gone by. I wish I could have said more. Maybe I should have laughed more. Maybe we should have held hands more, so our fingertips would linger longer.

I miss the days that have gone by. The fragments of memories of our days are getting hard to remember. Now you’re gone, and all I do is reminisce. I wish you well, so be free and fly. 

Dear Tales and Trails

Dear Tales and Trails,

It’s been quite a long time since I posted something here, my apologies. This blog’s purpose has been solely to share about the journey and adventure I am in right now. I have not updated you with how my life is right now.

I am currently in a happy state. I feel so blessed more than anything. I am working in an industry where I have always dreamt of. I feel that this job fell into my lap, with me not making so much effort. But of course, I did what I had to get this job. This is why I feel so blessed. Everything is falling into places with my life. As they say, I’m on my way. I hope that while I am enjoying this adventure that I will not step into anyone’s toes and if I do, let it be those that can forgive me.

I have become more comfortable with being away from home. I guess, this is because of my work that requires 10 hours of my time every day. And maybe because, after five years of not being at home, I have finally come into terms with the fact that before I can go home, I have to find myself first. And for me, finding myself requires me to be independent. Which makes perfect segue to my next update. I am finally financially independent. This job that I have pays well, thank God. Because of this, my parents don’t have to regularly send me money anymore. So yehey! Another child off their list J

But even though I am away from home, I still have a balance life with my family. I communicate with them constantly thru texts, calls and facebook. I am blessed to have very supportive parents and siblings. They have been there with and for me all throughout everything. They were the first people to pull me out whenever I am down deep.

My friends? We’ve been told time and again that they come and go, but it is only now that I have realized that this is in fact a truth. Some have gone away, some stayed. But I am happy, because my few precious friends are still with me. Another blessing, I am able to balance them despite the fact that we are in different groups. In the end, I believe that we can only have so much people around us, and so few, that really sticks with us. I choose my friends, and I never regretted with those whom I chose.

Family, friends and career, so is that it? Ah but yes, there is the love life. I’m sorry to disappoint, but I am still single and still so happy about it. As of the moment, I’d rather bloom my way in my line of work than bloom for someone. But who knows, life always surprises us.

Tales and Trails, we’ve been through a lot huh? Thank you for being there for me.

Sincerely,

Scarlet_Tears

Written on October 12, 2012

21 and Young

So I just turned 21 a week ago. How does it feel? It literally feels like nothing. Nothing has happened. I didn't get a sudden epiphany of what I should do with my life. I didn't suddenly gain knowledge of the world, much more myself. Nothing really, it felt like any other day. But it wasn't any other day, because that day turned out to be my 21st year in the world.


Back when I was younger, as in 10-ish, being 21 seemed old. But now I'm here, and I ain't old, in fact, I'm young! Young at heart and at mind.


My ever good friends from college surprised me with a cake, a bouquet of flowers, balloons and their efforts. It was the first time I was ever "surprised." So how did it happen?

Sheena texted me, saying she needed to talk to me asap. I was in Manila then and told her I'd be back by Thursday (April 26), so she asked to meet up on Friday at one of our favorite restos, Shakey's IT Park. I went there, but I kinda have an inkling of an idea already (feeler much?) But their efforts still surprised me. It was an early birthday celebration as my birthday is not until Monday, April 30.


I don't know, it was joyous. :) I first decided to celebrate my birthday here in Cebu with friends, but upon looking at the calendar and thorough contemplating, I decided to go back home. By Saturday, I was home already with my family.


My family and I did the usual, we went out for dinner. We celebrate birthdays like that, simple but intimate. Though I wish my three other siblings were there, it was only my parents, me and my eldest sister.


Moving on, I remember I made a "to do list," before turning 21. And I tell you, I wasn't able to do all of them. But then again, maybe its not about doing everything in the list, but the fact that you have things you want to do in life is enough. I would still want to do those things, even when I'm 80. If I can do them, why not?


I would like to thank my friends for making my birthday extra special this year. :)

The Red Dream

One of those things that got lost along the way.

The Red Dream 

The sunlight blinded John as he tried to cover his eyes. He looked around, figuring out where he was. He could clearly see the endless blue sky above him. On his side, he sees tall buildings. Where was he, he thought. He looked around again before realizing he was in the rooftop of his old office building. He thought about why and how he got there, but he couldn’t remember. On his back was the door, he tried to open it but couldn’t. Strange, he thought. He used to come up here for a cigarette break but he had quit smoking long ago.

John took a step forward for a better view of the rooftop. Like any other rooftop, it was hugely white space. The railings were painted white; build to prevent anyone from falling. There at the right most part of the railing was someone.

She was wearing a ruby red hooded coat, gleaming over the sunlight. The coat was similarly fashioned to those of the medieval times, one that would remind you of the story of the Little Red Riding Hood. She just stood there, looking at the horizon.

John felt nervous for some reason. He didn’t understand why, but he felt like he knew her. She turned her head and John had to take a small gasp. Her face was pale but beautiful. She had big emerald green eyes; her lips were red but a lighter shade than that of her coat.

John was amazed by the beauty before him, once he was passed that, he realized what he was looking at. She was beautiful, very beautiful but she was also very sad, her eyes showed it. Her eyes that pierced through his and he couldn’t understand all the sorrow in it. She just stood there looking at him, her lips quivering a little. The strangest part was when her sad eyes turned to a pleading one. She needed help, John thought. He tried to ask her if she was ok, but no words escaped him, his mouth didn’t open. He didn’t know how long they were standing there.

She turned his head back to the horizon for a moment before looking at him again. She motioned her hand to her hood, and her hood fell from her head. Though he couldn’t see it, John knew that her jet black hair was long, like it fell to her hips. It was a little curvy and it made her more beautiful than ever. She looked at him again, those pleading eyes sliced through his heart.
 
 He woke up in the dark. He was nervous and excited. He turned his lamp light on and started reaching for his cane. His 74 year old hand found its way to a crooked wooden cane. He lifts himself up from his bed. His room was enough for one person. It had a bed near the window. On its right were a small table and then a book shelf. Then at the other corner, a big wooden chest was sitting. He specifically put it there to conceal it every time the door opens. He slowly reached the wooden chest.

John was excited, after all these years he finally figured out where he has seen the woman of her dreams. She has long abandoned his dreams but tonight was different. For the first time, she showed him her long beautiful hair and he saw emotions on her face. He couldn’t pin point it before, but now he knew where he had first gazed on those beautiful emerald eyes.

He opened the chest and it was filled with many important memories from his past. He was a man of attachment. He knew that somewhere in his chest was his very first watch his grandfather gave him or the book his childhood friend gave him. He had kept all those memories to remember the people in his lives. He dug his way on all the memorabilia inside. His diary was there, the only one he ever written on; the diary that were filled with memories of her. He called her Emerald because of her green eyes but he never really knew her.

His hands felt a worn leather notebook which he immediately pulled away from the chest. He walked his way to his table as he felt his fingers touching the leather. As he sits down, he thought of his obsession of the girl in his dreams and all those years she had haunted him.

“Why?” he whispered to himself.

He couldn’t remember the last time she visited him in his dreams. He never forgot her, oh no, he just stop caring. There were times when sometimes he would just daze out and all he thinks about is her. But now, his youth have escaped him, why did she come back? He asked himself. She even bears gifts, her long jet black hair and the knowledge that has been a mystery to him for almost all his life.

He has finally found her. He knew that once he opened the old leather notebook, a new mystery will unravel. 

Stuff No One Told Me

I have been on the internet for a few years now, and it still amazes me the stuffs you find in there. The internet is like a universe, mysterious and unending. There’s a lot of nonsense in the internet, but there are also a lot of sensible things.


About a year ago, I discovered the meme phenomena. For those of you who aren’t “internet savy,” memes are ideas that are spread through the internet. They are usually in the form of pictures and videos. Here’s an example, if you see a photo of someone famous, say for example Barack Obama, and the photo shows a certain caption that is funny but directly relates to the expression or how the photo is taken, that is a meme. But there are so many other memes out there.


So anyway, while I was browsing through the net, I came upon this blog, “Stuff No One Told Me,” by someone named Alex Noriega. He is a young fella living in Mozambique. At some point in his life, he went through a crisis, and decided to create a blog that features comics he created about stuff no one told him about.


I don’t think I can ever explain his comics through words, so allow me to show it to you visually and I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.

I have three personal favorites. First, the comic on the concept of “Fun is Relative.” I am attached to this comic because I personally enjoy a good book. I could go on for hours devouring words and creating a world based on those words. Fun is relative and I hope that everyone respect that. Just because some people won’t enjoy hard core partying, doesn’t mean they’re not having the “fun in their life.”


To challenge yourself every day, even if it’s just a little bit is my next favorite. My roomate and I have this white board pin in the wall. Every day, the two of us take a turn in writing something inspirational on it to motivate the other. At the same time, we challenge each other to do better every day. So I really hope that counts. But if it doesn’t, maybe I can write a goal list every day and make sure I reach all those goals at the end of each day. Still a challenge.


Lastly, I find the quote “your salary doesn’t determine how good of a person you are,” so true. Donating your money to charity doesn’t automatically make you good; it just goes to show you have extra money to give those who are in need. Becoming a better person needs more than just money. You become a better person when you realize that not everything in this world revolves around money.


These thoughts, they aren’t actually news. But what makes these quotes and comics something is the fact that it comes from a person who has been struggling and has finally seen the light. He has realized that in this world, nothing is what it seems it is.


You can visit Mr Noriega in his blog, http://www.snotm.com for more of his interesting comics.