Suitcase of Memories

The past is nothing but black and white. 

 I hid everything inside a suitcase of memories.Sometimes I check up on the past. I pick a piece inside the suitcase, I re-live it and remember it. Sometimes I go back to my happiest time and even my darkest hours. Sometimes, I just want to watch the past in my eyes and see how I changed. They are nothing but mere memories in my heart and in my mind. They are pictures, remains of what has been. 

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and changed something in my past. I think about the what if's and what could've been. But there is nothing I can do. I have to move and let go. There are those fragments in the past I don't ever want to remember, they are hidden in the bottom of the suitcase, in the darkest part where my hands couldn't touch them. Those are the memories that hurt me so deeply that I don't need something to remind me it happened because the scars can be seen in my actions and reactions, they are written all over me.

Sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes, the past crawls back and escape from the suitcase. It then creates havoc in a life where I built without it. The past always crawls back. I have been told by the greatest philosophers in the world that one cannot move on without making amends with the past. But how, how can I make amends with the past when I can't even face it? How can you forget it when in your sleep all you see is the face of the past? There's a simple way but I am afraid of it and so is everyone else. 

The only way for the past to stop crawling back is when you don't make it an issue. It's when you finally face it and tell everything that should have been said. It is only then can you make amends with it and only then will it not bother you.

You are a thing of my past. I don't see you in my future nor my present. Seeing you would mean breaking all the promises I made to never look you in the eye again. I'm afraid to see you again, I'm afraid to stare at your face, I'm afraid to laugh with you. I'm afraid because it brings me back to so much pain, so painful I haven't entirely move on from the effects you gave me. But I have to do this, it is the only way for you to be back in my suitcase of memories. It is the only way for you to be truly become a memory and not a life. 

You are a thing of my past, I'm over you. I got over you a long time ago. So now, the only thing left to do is face you and prove it to the world that I am really over you.

When Happiness is a Decision

I had one of my worst day yesterday. No matter how I tried to be happy, my heart felt empty and lonely. I hid from my friends so that I could clear things with my heart. I wasn't successful. It's one of those days that you feel so sad, you almost feel nothing. I'm sure that it was trigger by someone. It's like a domino effect and because that person hurt me, everything seemed wrong. 

Emptiness has once again embraced me.  I can only pretend to be happy for so long. Sometimes, I need to remove my poker face but even if I do, no one will understand. The truth is, its hard to be the tough person in the group, the happy person, the clown. When its your time to cry, no one knows how to make you smile. So the clown shear away from the public, weeping alone. When its time for the show, the clown put up his best smile and do a performance, a show that can cover up the pains in his eyes. 

While everyone was doing something, I scribbled my name in the back of my note book and ended up doing a list of things I should remember.

Mayang

Learn to manage your time.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise on what you believe in.

Believe in yourself.

You're not alone, God is always with you.

Remember that when things go wrong, you have your family.

When your friends make you feel like sh*t, just hold on, things will pass.

You can be better.

Reflect sometimes and call onto God.

Learn to love yourself every day. You're beautiful.

Learn to forgive over and over again -  no matter how painful and how tiring forgiving is.

Smile always.

The world will turn out better for you.

Storms come and go, remember that sunshine is waiting beneath the clouds.

Don't stop dreaming.

Don't stop believing in people - they can change.

Remember, wounds heal and you learn something from them.

Mayang, you're YOU. Don't let anyone step on you because you deserve better. 

When I read this list before writing this blog, it made me smile. It really didn't change a lot, but something within me changed. I don't deserve to be treated like something unimportant. I deserve something better and when all else fail, God is always there to guide me and catch me when I fall.

The clown is still sad yet she sees hope for tomorrow. 

Photo: deviantart by Mrs Cullen and alephunky

Close your eyes ....

The night is still and the music in my ears are the few vehicles I can hear from the street. It has been a long night for me. But not long enough to stop me from writing. I am tired and I am drained but somehow, I find myself into this place, my hand continuously typing words. It's probably because I was supposed to write something in this blog a few days ago but wasn't able to. There was the jeepney ride that took me away from reality, there was my realization of not looking back and my feelings for someone which I can't explain. 

It was a rainy afternoon when I took the jeepney ride, it was going to be a long ride was what I thought. But oh I was wrong, it was too short and I wished that jeepney ride continued on. I was on the front seat and the rain just started to fall. I had to close the window because I didn't want to be wet. I put my mp3 on and I started listening to music. I didn't know where it started, all I know was I started to stared blankly and thought of a world where everything goes happy. It's a happy world, no poor, no rich, no greed and anger, no pain and hate, just happiness. The fictional place started to fill my heart and I wished that everything in this world would be like that world. It was paradise, there  was me, the family I love, my friends and some old familiar faces smiling, playing and enjoying together that paradise. I woke up for a second or two and decided to change the music to a more upbeat one. I didn't want to be stuck in a world where I know wouldn't exist. But even the music of Britney Spear's did not stop my brain from wandering around that beautiful place. See, that was the place where hurts and disappointment did not exist, where everyone is sensitive to other's feeling, it was a place where I don't have to expect something in return because I'm sure the same thing will happen to me. It was a place where I want to be. It was a place where I don't have to expect, a place where I felt happy, a place where sadness and loneliness did not exist. It was the perfect place. There I was sitting on green fields with smile on my face because everything in that place brings me happiness, even the small gush of wind makes me smile. 

But, I woke up. The rain started to fall harder and that's when I realize that storms are reality, they come and go. I realized, at that moment I was inside a storm. The storm that was happening in my heart, my expectations, my dreams and everything I want to be. Sometimes, you have to be in a storm to appreciate the importance of rainbows and sunshine. 

Talking about storms and sunshine, I know that a decision can either bring storms or sunshine in my life. I have learned not to look back even when everything is falling hard. Regrets is looking back. I don't want to have regrets in my life. So why not walk away when you can't take it, just walk away and don't turn back. I literally didn't turned my back when I decided to walk away. It's not that I had any ill feelings for them, it's the feeling that they give me. I felt like an outcast, an outsider, a stranger. No, they are still in my life and they will be forever a part of it. I walked away in that moment because I didn't want to feel like someone who invited myself in a group where I wasn't wanted. I walked away because I needed to move on, I needed to realize that sometimes, this happens in real life. Sometimes, the people you thought your friends with are the people who makes you feel worthless. I don't know if that's what God designed for friendship but all I know that everyone will feel like this towards their closest friends. I walked away because I needed to know that I can be independent, I walked away because I needed to find myself. Who am I and What can I do are questions I should have an answer by the end of this school year. I am not saying that all your life you can't look back, what I'm saying is there are things better left like what it is than trying to fix it and get yourself hurt. Sometimes, all we can do is leave it and not to turn back. 

Then there's him, a person who makes me smile, a person who gives me hope. No, he's not the love of my life nor is he my crush. He is just a person that simply makes me smile, nothing less and nothing more. 

------------------------

It's been a long night, a really long one at that. So let the night be still and let the souls sleep. 

^__^

I Liked You - A Love Letter

I like you and my heart can attest to that. I remember when I first realized that I like you, I couldn't stop wondering why my heart chose you. But maybe, that's just how nature works, you just can't understand it sometimes. 

I like you and I mean I really really like you. Well, I used to like you anyway. 

So I guess the right way to put it is, I liked you. 

They don't understand how much I liked you. They think that they do but they don't have any inkling of how my heart feels when you're with me. How many times have I told them that I don't feel the usual "electricity" when I see you? How many times did I told them to stop teasing me because it really has no effect? The truth is, I think of you and I miss you. But no electricity, no heart pounding and no blushing is the way that I liked you. 

How does my heart feels when I'm with you? Simply happy, simply glad, simply light and just simply smiling. Your's was  the only smile I could truly consider that brightens up my day. I love talking to you and I can't explain it in words. I can talk to you about almost anything in this world, like the man I always dreamed of.It's simple as that. Talking to you is like the most natural thing in the world and that doesn't happen all the time.

When I see your crazy smile it makes me smile and suddenly its as if I can do anything, I'm serious and I'm not being cheesy. It's you. The way you talk to me, the way you smile at me, the way you make me laugh, the way you make me feel secure, I like that.

You really don't have any idea about how I feel. You make me smile but you don't know it. You make me feel beautiful and I don't even know why. 

I like you but I wasn't in love with you. I used to think that maybe this is how love works in the process. When you truly like someone, you don't need to feel all those electricity or like your floating. When you truly like someone all you have to feel is gladness that you're with that person and you wouldn't trade the moment for anything.

Maybe that's what love is. You don't need to feel all those feelings described in romance novels. You only need to be YOU because the person who can accept the real you is the person you want to be with. You make me feel like ME, like I'm at my best when I'm with you. You bring out the best of me and you don't even know it.

It was a beautiful journey. Liking you is one of the best things that happened to me because you made me realize so much. About me, about happiness and about moving on when its time.

You don't know you did all these things to me. I stand at the sunshine alone but I also stand at the rain alone. I liked you, I really did. But I can't keep on holding things that aren't meant to be mine. You're not meant to be mine, we're not meant to be together. I stand with my unrequited love alone in this journey because no one would understand how I felt. 

Love and like, it's not all about being in the sky all the time, it's about when someone pulls you to the ground and make you feel like a real person and then embrace you as a person, who can makes so many mistakes. It's when someone tells you its okay to cry and okay for your hair to be messy because it really doesn't matter. Love and like, its not just that the other person really cares about you, its how that other person makes you feel when you're confuse and you feel freaking ugly. 

I really can't explain why I liked you and I guess no one will understand. It will be kept in the hearts of people who experienced the same thing. 

But now the time has come for me to turn around and walk away from you. I'll surely miss the feeling but it's the right thing to do. You can't keep me hanging forever. I need to search what really love is for me and you, you're a part of it, but not the meaning of it.

I say goodbye to you, the person who made me want to fall in love all over again, fearlessly. Goodbye to the person who opened up my heart of the idea of love again. 

Goodbye, to the only person who and will always make me feel high and grounded at the same time.

I maybe alone in the rain but it doesn't mean I can't dance with it.

Remembering you forever,

Black Orchid

Time in the Past

Time is an unpredictable element in the world. It doesn’t stop or wait for anyone. Once it’s wasted, it is gone forever. Time, it goes so very fast when you need it to go slow the most. 

It was a fine day when time caught up with me, the past actually. For a very long time I’ve been avoiding the past but sooner or later, the past always catches up. You see, you can’t bury the past. You can’t escape it, the truth is it’s a part of your life, whether you like it or not. 

On that fine summer day, the past stood in front of me. I tried to open my eyes as hard as I could because once I close my eyes, the past will own me. I tried, but I gave up. I gave up when I started to smell the sweet scent of spring and started to see the beautiful flowers around. I slowly close my eyes and the blurry past became as clear as water. 

They call it “a walk down memory lane”. I neither walk nor run down memory lane, I experienced it all over again, and I felt it like I’ve never moved on. 

I opened my eyes as quickly as I closed it. The sweet scent was exhilarating, it’s as bitter as the past. 

I stared in the past and I took a deep breath and asked it what it was doing in my present.

What are you doing here? I said, almost like a whisper.

I am you. You are me. It said in an echoed voice.

Time, it will erase you. I told it.

It will when you will face me, but until then, you are bound to me and I will forever appear every now and then. 

No, you have to stop. I’m happy now. 

Happy? You have been avoiding me.

Because you make me unhappy. You make me feel pain. I don’t want to …

Feel pain? I do not intend to do it. I intend to remind you that I am here.

But I don’t want to. I have a choice to forget you.

You cannot forget me. I am you. I am a part of you. Face me and you can bury me in your deepest memory.

I can’t face you. Tears started falling from eyes.

You cannot fool me. You are not happy. You are trapped, caged by me. Until then, you’ll never be truly free or happy. It told me. Its white long cloak danced with the wind.

I was you and I am still you. Embrace me; it is only ‘till then can you say that you are free. I am the nightmare that crawls within you; the lies that comes out of your mouth. Face me and I shall grant you your freedom.

I closed my eyes and let its echoed voice linger in my ears. When I opened my eyes, it was gone but I know that it’ll be back.

The past, it has a way of crawling up on you when you least expect it. There is no other way but to face the past. It is only then when you face the past can you become who you want to be. 

I believe that the past does not define who you are now that is why I never bothered to say hi to my past. It was the past after all, just a hazy memory. I have seen the past before but it never stood before me. When it did stood before me, I knew then that I could not escape it anymore. 

I wondered, as the sweet scent of spring and the bitterness that it bring slowly disappeared into the day, how many people are prisoners of their past. Time is really unpredictable. You cannot move on without making amends of your past.

Facebuko

I always have fun browsing through facebuko. It guarantees to free you from stress. It just makes me laugh. 

Facebuko is a parody of the popular social networking site, Facebook. In Facebuko, Filipino celebrities and popular characters have their own account. These accounts are managed by the creator of the said website, Jonas Roque. Most of the time Roque put parodies of controversial issues in Filipino showbiz and sometimes just post anything using anyone of the fake celebrities account.

One of the most popular characters in Facebuko are Going Bulilit's Chacha Bulilit, Miguel De Guzman and Bugoy Carino. Facebuko's creators and admins started the three characters whirlwind love triangle.

Chacha Bulilit and Miguel De Guzman started their love affair in the website but a new character, Bugoy Carino came into their lives. The two broke up which Miguel didn't take lightly. Chacha fell for Bugoy and the two started going out. 

The three's love story makes me smile and their posts are probably truer than they look.

My favorite is the third photo.

Young love.. =)

On Dreams and Reality

It all started when I was young. I was reading a children book, the kind that your parents want you to read to fill your minds with knowledge. Do they call it knowledge books? Those kinds of books that are in a set and are so colorfully painted. When you open the book all you see is bright colors and interesting pictures.

I was reading a book with a big "Grolier" word printed in its spine and the title was "I Wonder Why". As I said, it was part of a set. Each "I Wonder Why" book covers a different subject. At that time, I was reading the I wonder Why Stars Twinkle. It was all about astronomy. You can clearly see that the book was a favorite. It bears the mark of being read all over again. Both ends of the spike is damaged, the edges of some pages are folded and some pages are torn. I memorized each questions of the books and all the answers to them. I remember back in grade school arguing to a classmate that Mercury is not the hottest planet in the solar system but instead it was Venus. She didn't believe me, never did, until our teacher pointed out that I was correct.

It was this book that I first learned something new. I learned about black holes, red giants and how the earth would come to an end if humans won't kill it first. This book is the book that got me started reading. This was the book that made dreaming big possible.

It was then that I had my first dream of becoming someone. I dreamed of becoming a cosmologist or an astronaut. But really, I dreamed of studying the skies, discovering the universe and maybe discover a planet or two and naming it after me. Just thinking about it gives me this exhilarating feeling, an excitement I will only have when I'm thinking of reaching the stars someday.

That was my earliest memory of dreaming something big. That moment, I discovered how it feels to see something big in the future. It was at this moment that I realized what the word dreaming meant. Dreaming, a word I only use when I tell someone about my adventures in my sleep. But this time, dreaming was something else, it became a word that is so full of success and experience. I never look or read the word dreaming in the same way after that.

As I grew old however, my knowledge of reality also grew. I never told anyone about "the dream" not even my mother. Not one soul.

I realize that cosmologist are people who usually comes from a country that has major facilities for discovering the universe. Usually their the type who knows physics even before it was introduced to them. They are geniuses. That's not me. I'm not a genius in that way and I will never be one.

I realized that I can't reach my dream. It's too big. It's like the universe, its so full of wonders and amazing things that its too good to be true. I can't be a cosmologist because there are limitations.

I didn't want to, but I had to. Coming into terms with reality can be difficult. As soon as reality crash in, you'll realize you just can't achieve some things. I wanted to become the main antagonist of the movie, the one who succeeded in what she really wanted to become. But that was a movie or a book perhaps, but they don't happen in the real world.

Dreams. I thought I would never dream of becoming someone again. I was young and my dreams got crushed, you can't blame me for being pessimistic for awhile.

But, I'm too positive to stay in a sulky world that doesn't include imagining the future. Today, I dream of becoming someone someday. But the future is a little hazy for me. For now, I want to become a travel broadcast/print journalist. I love traveling and I wish it would be a profession of mine.

Some say dream big, some say forget it. It's really up to you. You make the decisions in your life. You can either dream big or you can dream small. No matter what the size is, you're still dreaming which means you still have hope.