Regrets of Love

Wrote this today, inspired by the song Somewhere over the Rainbow. I just listened to it and every time I do, it gives me a certain feeling. Today, I identified it as a melancholic feeling. Like that of a love that was right, but never meant to happen.

This is his side of the story, hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write her side. 

HIM

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I gaze at her smiling at me as the wind blew her hair. I smiled back and she suddenly touched both my cheeks with her hands and kissed me at the nose. I smiled to myself, feeling every moment of it. Her lips touching my skin, the smell of her hair and the scent of her perfume, she simply took my breath away. I held on to her hips and started tickling her. She started laughing and moving away from me until she was freed from my grasps and she started running along the green fields. We were at the top of a mountain, overlooking the whole city; that was our place, something that only the two of us shared. She looked back at me as she was running and shouted something but I was too busy admiring her to even hear her. I just started running, catching up.

I caught up with her and I lifted her from the back and started spinning her. I heard her laughing. It was a moment I would always savor. I fell to my back and she immediately rolled over to my side and stared at me. For a moment we gaze at each other’s eye and I wondered if she read my soul through its windows. She gave me a funny smile, one I haven’t seen her in. She then turned her head and looked at the sky. She talked about how beautiful the sky was, I couldn’t agree more. She talked about how she missed me; I couldn’t have said it better. She talked about a love she never had, and a love she never told me because she was afraid it’d change everything, I thought she had it all. I asked about the man she was talking about, she just told me it doesn’t matter anymore because she was sure he doesn’t love her.

That’s when I thought to myself, who wouldn’t love this beautiful woman? I have loved her since the day I first saw her. She was nine and I was ten. She walked pass by me at a party, I followed her and I talked to her and things went crazy after that.

It was that day that we became best friends. I was always on her side and she was always on mine. Then one day when I was nineteen, my mother decided to move. The day I was to go was the worst day of my life. I watched her cried and I watched her heart being torn apart as I walked away and didn’t look back. I didn’t look back because if I would, I wouldn’t have strength to walk away from her.

That’s when everything changed. I got busy for a few months, adjusting and doing everything to fit in. At first we talked every day, then it went to talking every other night, then it became once a week, then once a month and ultimately, a few times a year. But I never forgot her, never. Now, after five years, we met again.

We watched the sunset together that day, holding each other’s hand. Then, we walked away from our place, not looking back. We walked away from our childhood. We walked away from the friendship we had and we would always have. We walked away from a love, too strong yet never said. We walked away to a life of what could have been for both of us. We walked away and didn’t look back. But I cheated, I turned my head slightly, and there it was; I saw us. Oh, the regrets of love, how I wish I could tell her how much I love her and how much I regretted the day I didn’t look back.

The mountain top would always be where I find both our love. It’s always going to be the place where we shared our dreams and hopes of having a life together. Unsaid, we have always loved each other, always.

Left Unsaid

I received a news today about myself. I have been prepared for this news because I know that sooner or later, it would come. I don't know how I felt when it finally came down to it. Did I felt disappointed with myself? Maybe. Did I felt regret? I don't know. As I said, I've seen it coming, just never thought this early, but I've been ready for it for a long time, just not now. But it is now and I can't make it go away so I need to prepare myself for it. 

I watched Grey's Anatomy today and something caught my attention. There's a lot of things that people don't talk about. Yes, its true. I have a lot of things I don't want to talk about myself. This news for example is one of them. I don't like to talk about some things about my family, friends, and myself. Maybe because it's embarrassing or maybe because people simply want to escape that fact. People would always look for an escape, and you can't blame them for it. When your face with a difficult situation, all you want to do is not to be in those shoes. When you face regret in front of you, all you want to do is not think about the decision. You can't blame people when they don't talk about a lot of things. You can't blame them and tell them that if its that important to them, then the world should know. You just can't tell everything about yourself. Some things are better left unsaid and some things are better left in the deepest part of oneself.

Everyone has a secret. It doesn't have to be dark, it only has to do something with oneself. 

There's so many things that should be said, but cannot be said. It's how life works. Sometimes, only you can carry a burden about yourself because people, not even the closest friends, can understand it. 

Somewhere over the Rainbow

I really can't remember the first time I've heard the version of Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo Ole' of the song Somewhere over the Rainbow and What a Wonderful World. The song is a mashed up of the two songs but the first one has more exposure.

The song totally gives a new meaning to the two songs. I still have goosebumps whenever I hear his voice in the beginning of the song. The feelings and the right harmony, it just, simply beautiful. I am in love with this song, with the voice, with the ukulele.

Hearing this song gives me a sudden rush of peacefulness and it makes me relax. I don't know why, but this version gives a new meaning to the lyrics of both the songs. It's amazing whenever a song can reach deep in your heart. A good voice is when it reaches the highest note, a great voice is one that reaches the heart of the people.

Rest in peace Iz, you have touched my heart with your living legacy in the form of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Here is the lyrics of the mash up.

Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo

Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo

Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo

Oohooo oohoooho ooooho

Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

And the dreams that you dreamed of

Once in a lullaby ii ii iii

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

And the dreams that you dreamed of

Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh

Someday I'll wish upon a star

Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh

Where trouble melts like lemon drops

High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and

Red roses too,

I'll watch them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white

And the brightness of day

I like the dark and I think to myself

What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people passing by

I see friends shaking hands

Saying, "How do you do?"

They're really saying, I...I love you

I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,

They'll learn much more

Than we'll know

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,

Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like lemon drops

High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me

Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

And you can listen and watch to a video of the song in this link

Somewhere over the Rainbow

I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do. 

:D

21 Things to Do Before Turning 21 :)

I heard of bucket lists and all. I haven't really made an official bucket list where the list really exist. Most of the time when something exciting comes to mind, I say "I'm should put that on my bucket list," out loud, then I forget about it.

This list started back when I was still first year. A friend of mine was turning 20 and she said she had 20 things to do before turning 20. This got me interested. Back then I was turning 18 and I thought of 18 things to do before turning 18, but again, I never really put it in a list. Even when I turned 19, I always had that list on my mind. Finally, a few months ago, I wrote the list, giving me about a year to do everything. 

Then, I had a conversation with a few friends when I told them about this list (that I haven't made). All of us agreed we'd make a list, post it on our facebook page and compare notes. Now this is the motivation I was waiting to finally do the list! 

As it turned out, I had 21 things to do, so I decided to make it as, 21 things to do before turning 21. Below is the list.

Let's see what I can crash out.

21 Things to do Before Turning 21

1. Get my license.
2. Drive my dad’s car and hopes he get really scared with the idea and then I’ll show him that I can drive.
3. Go out of the country.
4. Watch movies and series straight for at least 15 hours.
5. Steal something.
6. Lose some weight, I don’t care how much, one pound counts. LOL
7. Tell the guy that I like that I actually like him.
8. Go to Ayala and walked inside a store pretending I speak little English and is from a Russian or any non-speaking European country.
9. Learn to ride the bicycle.
10. Learn to play piano (even just a little).
11. Dance in the rain.
12. Give up chocolate for two weeks.
13. Go abroad alone.
14. Eat something that is really gross or something that I don’t eat every day. (cockroach, snake whatever)
15. Write a novel.
16. Go skinny dipping.
17. Wear a very ridiculous outfit in public.
18. Approach a celebrity and kiss him.
19. Eat one big pizza for myself or eat a whole half-gallon of ice cream for myself.
20. Get my hair colored.
21. Stop my bad habit of continuously biting my nails. (HELP!)

Alright, after reviewing the list here are the things that can be crashed out..

Number 1 & 2 - I'll make it to a point to get a license this sem break, if that's not going to happen, then I'll wait for Christmas break.

Number 3 - crash that out, I'll be in Singapore and Indonesia in less than two weeks.

Number 4 - I think I already did this, back when I was watching Lost. See, I start at 9am and finished 3am.

Number 6 - I can totally do this!

Number 7 - DONE! 

Number 9 - I'm gonna have to ask my best friends about this.

Number 10 - I'm going to have to ask my sister, our piano here is getting rusty

Number 11 - I'll do this anytime the rain pours hard!

Number 19 - It's on!

Number 20 - has been on the list for a very long time and now I can officially crash it out.

Now, the ones in RED are the most difficult things to do but I think I can do it. Let's see.

By the way, Number 8 will happen soon. As soon as I'm back in Cebu, I'll psych myself to do this. 

Enjoy Life and do some crazy things!

Melancholic Abyss

Sometimes, when the rain pours hard, I remember him. I look outside the window and I see his reflection. Sometimes, all I can see is his hazel eyes looking back at me. I never stopped wondering what could have been for us. We never had our ending.

 Most of the time, I thought about us, what we were ... I thought about our memories. I wish I could just live in those memories, things would be so much better.

We were lovers of the wind, of the night, of the stars. Call it whatever you want, we were bound to each other as the sun was bound to follow the moon forever. Sometimes when the night is still and all has closed their eyes, I feel him, holding me. When it gets cold during winter, I feel his warmth wrapping around me. 

I am lost forever, broken, never to be mend again. The only one who can mend me and lead me to the right path has long deserted me. Tell me, how can you live by yourself when all you know is living for someone else? We've been together for so long, so long I couldn't remember how it feels to be without him. I'm fine, but I'm not okay.

I long to feel his touch lingering in my skin. I long for his soft lips caressing my hair. I long for his smile lighting up my day. I long to see him again. So long have I been trapped in the world of memories. So long have I wandered the walls of my mind, so long. 

I wished for Death to kiss me the way she kissed him. She has taken the most important thing to me, she taken all of me but she hasn't taken me, I begged her, but she has left me too. 

So I lay in this soft cold bed wandering in the world of my memories for it is the only way I can see him again. My love, my world, why have you deserted me? 

Simple Walks

I wonder why people take walks in times of different situations. I wonder why people take walks when they are face with different decisions to make. I ask myself, how can simple walks changes one’s whole perspectives? I found the answer earlier today.

It’s a routine I take almost every day. My walk to and from school are mostly uneventful. I walk the familiar paved cement, see the same tree and cross the road at exactly the same spot. But today was different. Something caught my attention that reminded me of simple things that made me smile and yet made me think of some true and depressing things.

As I was walking in the same path I take every day from school, I saw a father and a child a few steps ahead of me. The little one was a little frenzied, running and then stopping to wait for his father catching up on him. His father, taking precautions because of the road, ran restlessly to stop his child from getting near the road. While the father was trying to catch up with his little one, one of his slippers broke away from his foot. I looked away and slowed my speed of walking, knowing what just happened. I took the courage to look in front of me. By this time, the father had his red slipper in his hand, trying to fix it. His child ran back at him and was now paying attention attentively to what his father was doing. I thought about the slipper, it might be the only one he had. I caught my breath and said “Please Lord.” It’s as if he heard me, the father put the red slipper down and slip his foot on it. I didn’t saw it but he must have smiled as he brushed his son’s hair.

For a moment, I was in the real world, that this is what’s happening out there. Beyond the gates and borders of my school, there was a world, an unfair one. I hate to face it but I had to someday and I fear that someday is coming nearer. There are people out there who continuously work hard for their family and yet you see no progress. There are people out there who studies at the evening and work in the morning just to gain enough knowledge. There are people out there who soak theirselves with their sweats and yet get the most menial salary.

Suddenly, I remember another father and child scene while I was riding a jeepney, this time, it was a daughter. I was riding the jeepney, with my headphones on and minding my own business when there directly in front of me was a father brushing her maybe seven year old daughter. Her daughter looked up on his father and kissed him on the cheeks and his father smiled so heavenly. I smiled and I thought of my father. Stuck in traffic, I continuously observed the father and daughter, the father was lecturing about the importance of education to the child. Suddenly, the child points out of the jeepney window and said, “look at the car dad, it’s so pretty,” her father smiled. He kissed her hair as he said in our dialect, “Someday when daddy has worked enough and he has money, I’ll buy that car so we won’t have to ride a jeepney.” I didn’t want to hear anymore. I turned the volume high on my mp3 player and loud booming music disturbed my ear drums.

I didn’t want to hear a father’s dream for his daughter, for his family and for himself. I didn’t want to hear because it pains me to know that these situations are actually happening. Most of all, I didn’t want to hear because it reminds me of what I have and what others don’t have.

I was back to the father and son and I walked really fast so I can be in front of them. I didn’t want to see any of these things anymore. These things remind me of a dream I had, that one day, our country will finally stand up and I’ll see progress in it. I dreamt of hope, but that was when I was young, when I was naïve and ignorant. I dreamt of our country to finally exhaust what it has instead of relying to other countries.

We claim to be an agricultural country, and yet we import our very own rice? We claim that we have the abundant natural resources in the world, and yet we let multi-national companies mine them in our very own land? We claim we have the most hardworking people, and yet we let them work to different countries? I do not blame the OFWs whose only want is to put food on their family’s plate and let their children be educated. I do not blame the multi-national company for abusing our land because our government actually lets them. So who to put the blame on? The government filled with corrupt, money hungry people? The Filipino people who can’t get enough of their crab mentality disorders? Who to blame? I don’t know.

I dream and I dreamt. The two fathers I saw are not just fathers; they are the Juan de la Cruz who vigorously dream of someday getting away from their slum neighborhoods. This is the real world I am going to be a part of someday. I’ll be one of them. It pains me to know that these things are really happening.

I know now why people take walks, it’s because they see simple things differently. Walks, they let you realize some things you’ve always seen but never really actually put on a thought to it. I never appreciated the old man who badgers me every time I walked passed by his stall of fish ball and tempura, begging me to buy one. I never appreciated the lady asking me to buy her fresh green mangoes. I never appreciated the old lady with her crutches on, selling me packed food.

There were things I really didn’t mind and didn’t appreciate, until now.

Someday, when I am able to reach my dreams, I will help the people who truly deserve it.

Taking Time and Talking to a Friend

Time has always been an unpredictable element. It goes too fast when you need it to go slow and sometimes, it runs out when you need it the most. I have to smile when I think about time. Most people don't recognize the value of time. I need time to think things through. I need time to heal the wounds I've gathered from a battle. I need time to wait. I need time to decide my faith. I need time ... you need time. 

I've been talking to a friend of mine. We go out at night and talk about time, its value, its importance and how vital its role is in the past and in the near future. We talk about the time when God's power was over us, the time when God lift up our souls when we thought we couldn't get through. We talk about waiting for the right time because we both believe that right timing is everything. When it comes to love, we talk about waiting for that one person who can ultimately accept us with our flaws and the mistakes we made in our past. We talk about waiting for God to introduce us to the one person who will be able to finish our sentences, the person who will laugh with us and cry with us. We talk about waiting for God's signal to say it's finally him, the person who doesn't ask us question because of his faith in us. We have recognize the value of time, and maybe then, things that we couldn't understand can be explain. 

Time has played a crucial role in both our lives; be it in our families and our decisions. Amazingly, we always discover and realize something new at the end of the day. We both have hidden secrets about our families. Probably the reason why we decide to keep it away from others is because we are both scared of the reaction of many. The truth is, its not that bad. We learn to overcome them and we learn to take them as trials with lessons. We both have hidden secrets and the reason why we're not sharing it is because of social condemnation. We both think in the same plane when talking about religion and God. Yes, we love God and we acknowledge him in all our success and failures. We call upon him, praise him and thank him and most of all, believe in him. But the truth is, believing in God and religion is two different things, and for that, I thank this friend for understanding what I actually mean by that. 

To the person I'm talking about, thanks for listening and sharing. Our talks is something I look forward to every week. Let God be the center of our friendship. ^_^