A Memory Worth Remembering

I don't know what went through my mind. Probably because I told another close friend about you. Now there's three people in the world who knows about you, me and two of my friends. I suddenly miss you. Suddenly I wanted the good old days back. The days when you were still a part of my everyday life. The days when I waited for you to talk to me. The days when I thank God for having someone who understands me. 

They say all good things come to an end. The two of us were too good, we didn't stood a chance. Fate just intervened. You just had to say the feelings that were better left unsaid. We were good, now we're almost strangers. But I miss you. I miss the days when ... you were there for me. I can't turn back time. Yes, I regret it. I regret what happened to us. But no, I don't regret letting you go because I know that was the right decision. You're a part of my life now, you can't deny that. No one will understand why except the two of us. I really miss you. Its been almost a year since I let you go and months since I last talked to you. 

I read the letters you sent me. It made me smile and teary at the same time. I love the way you wrote my name in every letter you sent. I love how you put your name with the words, "in love". I love the photos you sent me. It's a good thing you sent me a photograph of yourself, so that I can't forget your face. But even if I forget your face, my heart, my mind and my soul will never forget YOU. 

Now I wonder how you've been doing. I wonder if your okay. I wonder if we can still be friends. I wonder if your still you.

I wonder and I wonder ....

Value of Love

Let's talk about the big word, LOVE. To tell you honestly, I can't say that I've already fallen in love. To me, love is too much of a word to use. I can't say the 3-word phrase to someone until I really mean it. That's what makes me different than others. I know that there are people out there who has the same views as mine, but right now, most teenagers used the word LOVE so much, it has lost its value to those people. It's overrated, really, it is. Just because you feel you're heart beating so fast, or that you can't breathe anymore, doesn't mean its already love. Maybe your just having a panic attack or whatever. 

deviantart.com

The word love is overused. Honestly, I think that most people don't even know what it means anymore because they've exploited its merit. It's not that I'm against love or whatever, I'm actually in love with love. The concept of love is too beautiful, too idealistic, too good to be true. Imagine, having someone who will understand you, who will accept you for who you are, who will be the one to finish your sentences. Imagine someone who will go through all your bad moods and still manages to make you smile. Now, that's something everyone would like to feel. 

Also, I'm not saying don't take chances. All I'm saying is be sure of your feelings for that someone before you say the 3-word phrase. Whether or not that person accept your feelings, at least your sure of what you feel. Being sure lessen the feeling of regret later. You can only treasure the value of love if your sure. So you asked, how can I be sure? Well, its really up to you. If you think your ready and he's worth it, why not. Just remember, when you say those words, your giving up a part of yourself. Your giving something you can't take back. 

Here's the part where you're giving up a piece of your heart. Imagine your heart, every time you say "I love you" to a person you take a part of it. Each time, your heart gets smaller and smaller. Imagine, you're finally meeting the "right one". You check on your heart, and you see how small it is, and that's all you can give to the "one". You realize you've wasted so many I Love Yous to the wrong person. Going back to my point, be certain. 

deviantart.com

I actually don't know why I'm ranting about LOVE. 

Maybe because I believe in the idea that True Love Waits. 

My own version of Prince Charming will come someday and when I'm sure of it, I'll tell him how much he means to me. 

Secrets ...

Everyone have secrets, of that I'm sure. There are things you don't want to share even to your closest friends. Maybe you're afraid to be judge and misunderstood or maybe its just a social taboo to talk about it. So you keep it within yourself, not saying anything. Its when you really want to tell the world about it but you can't because maybe they'll condemn you. It's a secret you won't tell. 

Suddenly, someone tells you they're going through the same thing and suddenly the world is lighter. Today, I realized I'm not the only person on the boat. I thought about other people who are struggling with their feelings about something and how it is very difficult for them. It isn't really a social taboo but as what a friend say, I'm afraid of social condemnation even though it's happening in the status quo right now. This is a situation where none would understand if you're not on the same page as me or if you're not open-minded. Maybe I am afraid of social condemnation, I'm also afraid of society's dictation. Then again, I've always been a pro-choice. I tried not to be hypocritical with things. I am a woman of principles. I've always looked at people in a different view because I don't want to judge them base on society's norms. This is what being a UPian has taught me, that there's more than meets the eye. So I choose not to share this secret because I feel that some people aren't ready for it. Believe me, it has nothing to do with sexuality, if that's my problem, it would be really easy to say it out loud. It's something more, more personal than I thought. 

I'm glad to know that someone is actually there with me on the boat. 

Some secrets are worth the keep, they are the ones you'd rather want to have as a good memory. 

What's your secret?

Our Angel

Exactly six years ago, a baby boy came to this world. He was sickly but we felt his loved and we hope he felt ours. We wept three days after because God took him away from us. Wherever he is now, I hope his happy and I hope that God is taking a good care of him.

He is our baby angel up in the sky, never failing to watch over us. As we celebrate his supposed 6th birthday, we let him know that we still remember him, always and forever.

Rest in peace baby J (Jose Sanro Jimenea II), we all love you so much and we miss you. 

Suitcase of Memories

The past is nothing but black and white. 

 I hid everything inside a suitcase of memories.Sometimes I check up on the past. I pick a piece inside the suitcase, I re-live it and remember it. Sometimes I go back to my happiest time and even my darkest hours. Sometimes, I just want to watch the past in my eyes and see how I changed. They are nothing but mere memories in my heart and in my mind. They are pictures, remains of what has been. 

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and changed something in my past. I think about the what if's and what could've been. But there is nothing I can do. I have to move and let go. There are those fragments in the past I don't ever want to remember, they are hidden in the bottom of the suitcase, in the darkest part where my hands couldn't touch them. Those are the memories that hurt me so deeply that I don't need something to remind me it happened because the scars can be seen in my actions and reactions, they are written all over me.

Sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes, the past crawls back and escape from the suitcase. It then creates havoc in a life where I built without it. The past always crawls back. I have been told by the greatest philosophers in the world that one cannot move on without making amends with the past. But how, how can I make amends with the past when I can't even face it? How can you forget it when in your sleep all you see is the face of the past? There's a simple way but I am afraid of it and so is everyone else. 

The only way for the past to stop crawling back is when you don't make it an issue. It's when you finally face it and tell everything that should have been said. It is only then can you make amends with it and only then will it not bother you.

You are a thing of my past. I don't see you in my future nor my present. Seeing you would mean breaking all the promises I made to never look you in the eye again. I'm afraid to see you again, I'm afraid to stare at your face, I'm afraid to laugh with you. I'm afraid because it brings me back to so much pain, so painful I haven't entirely move on from the effects you gave me. But I have to do this, it is the only way for you to be back in my suitcase of memories. It is the only way for you to be truly become a memory and not a life. 

You are a thing of my past, I'm over you. I got over you a long time ago. So now, the only thing left to do is face you and prove it to the world that I am really over you.

When Happiness is a Decision

I had one of my worst day yesterday. No matter how I tried to be happy, my heart felt empty and lonely. I hid from my friends so that I could clear things with my heart. I wasn't successful. It's one of those days that you feel so sad, you almost feel nothing. I'm sure that it was trigger by someone. It's like a domino effect and because that person hurt me, everything seemed wrong. 

Emptiness has once again embraced me.  I can only pretend to be happy for so long. Sometimes, I need to remove my poker face but even if I do, no one will understand. The truth is, its hard to be the tough person in the group, the happy person, the clown. When its your time to cry, no one knows how to make you smile. So the clown shear away from the public, weeping alone. When its time for the show, the clown put up his best smile and do a performance, a show that can cover up the pains in his eyes. 

While everyone was doing something, I scribbled my name in the back of my note book and ended up doing a list of things I should remember.

Mayang

Learn to manage your time.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise on what you believe in.

Believe in yourself.

You're not alone, God is always with you.

Remember that when things go wrong, you have your family.

When your friends make you feel like sh*t, just hold on, things will pass.

You can be better.

Reflect sometimes and call onto God.

Learn to love yourself every day. You're beautiful.

Learn to forgive over and over again -  no matter how painful and how tiring forgiving is.

Smile always.

The world will turn out better for you.

Storms come and go, remember that sunshine is waiting beneath the clouds.

Don't stop dreaming.

Don't stop believing in people - they can change.

Remember, wounds heal and you learn something from them.

Mayang, you're YOU. Don't let anyone step on you because you deserve better. 

When I read this list before writing this blog, it made me smile. It really didn't change a lot, but something within me changed. I don't deserve to be treated like something unimportant. I deserve something better and when all else fail, God is always there to guide me and catch me when I fall.

The clown is still sad yet she sees hope for tomorrow. 

Photo: deviantart by Mrs Cullen and alephunky

Close your eyes ....

The night is still and the music in my ears are the few vehicles I can hear from the street. It has been a long night for me. But not long enough to stop me from writing. I am tired and I am drained but somehow, I find myself into this place, my hand continuously typing words. It's probably because I was supposed to write something in this blog a few days ago but wasn't able to. There was the jeepney ride that took me away from reality, there was my realization of not looking back and my feelings for someone which I can't explain. 

It was a rainy afternoon when I took the jeepney ride, it was going to be a long ride was what I thought. But oh I was wrong, it was too short and I wished that jeepney ride continued on. I was on the front seat and the rain just started to fall. I had to close the window because I didn't want to be wet. I put my mp3 on and I started listening to music. I didn't know where it started, all I know was I started to stared blankly and thought of a world where everything goes happy. It's a happy world, no poor, no rich, no greed and anger, no pain and hate, just happiness. The fictional place started to fill my heart and I wished that everything in this world would be like that world. It was paradise, there  was me, the family I love, my friends and some old familiar faces smiling, playing and enjoying together that paradise. I woke up for a second or two and decided to change the music to a more upbeat one. I didn't want to be stuck in a world where I know wouldn't exist. But even the music of Britney Spear's did not stop my brain from wandering around that beautiful place. See, that was the place where hurts and disappointment did not exist, where everyone is sensitive to other's feeling, it was a place where I don't have to expect something in return because I'm sure the same thing will happen to me. It was a place where I want to be. It was a place where I don't have to expect, a place where I felt happy, a place where sadness and loneliness did not exist. It was the perfect place. There I was sitting on green fields with smile on my face because everything in that place brings me happiness, even the small gush of wind makes me smile. 

But, I woke up. The rain started to fall harder and that's when I realize that storms are reality, they come and go. I realized, at that moment I was inside a storm. The storm that was happening in my heart, my expectations, my dreams and everything I want to be. Sometimes, you have to be in a storm to appreciate the importance of rainbows and sunshine. 

Talking about storms and sunshine, I know that a decision can either bring storms or sunshine in my life. I have learned not to look back even when everything is falling hard. Regrets is looking back. I don't want to have regrets in my life. So why not walk away when you can't take it, just walk away and don't turn back. I literally didn't turned my back when I decided to walk away. It's not that I had any ill feelings for them, it's the feeling that they give me. I felt like an outcast, an outsider, a stranger. No, they are still in my life and they will be forever a part of it. I walked away in that moment because I didn't want to feel like someone who invited myself in a group where I wasn't wanted. I walked away because I needed to move on, I needed to realize that sometimes, this happens in real life. Sometimes, the people you thought your friends with are the people who makes you feel worthless. I don't know if that's what God designed for friendship but all I know that everyone will feel like this towards their closest friends. I walked away because I needed to know that I can be independent, I walked away because I needed to find myself. Who am I and What can I do are questions I should have an answer by the end of this school year. I am not saying that all your life you can't look back, what I'm saying is there are things better left like what it is than trying to fix it and get yourself hurt. Sometimes, all we can do is leave it and not to turn back. 

Then there's him, a person who makes me smile, a person who gives me hope. No, he's not the love of my life nor is he my crush. He is just a person that simply makes me smile, nothing less and nothing more. 

------------------------

It's been a long night, a really long one at that. So let the night be still and let the souls sleep. 

^__^